Tagged: “Anger”
How does the issue of repressed memory fit into the forgiveness process? In other words, if I cannot remember abuse against me from my childhood, then how can I even consider the forgiveness process?
Repression is a defense against being overwhelmed by our feelings. This can be a protection for our mental health, at least in the short run. Yet, if the repression is so strong as to prevent an awareness of past trauma, so that the trauma cannot be uncovered and healed, then it can work against one’s psychological well-being. A key issue is this: Trauma that is deep and not uncovered can lead to symptoms in the present such as a lack of trust in others and/or anxiety. If a person presents with such issue of mistrust or anxiety, it can be helpful first to let the person know that there is a scientifically-supported approach to confronting any past trauma, if this happened in the person’s life, and experiencing healing from that trauma. That approach is Forgiveness Therapy. This can help people let down their psychological defenses, which then can lead to insight from the past, and this then can be the beginning of psychological healing through forgiveness, if the person chooses to forgive.
As I forgive, I am finding that my anger comes and goes. I find this frustrating as I expected a straight line from anger to no anger. Can you provide some perspective for me?
The philosopher from ancient Greece, Aristotle, reminds us that we are all imperfect when it comes to the expression of any of the moral virtues. Therefore, please try to be gentle with yourself and to humbly accept that you will not have a perfect straight line from anger to no anger. You certainly are not alone in this as the vast majority of us can experience a resurgence of anger. At that point, it is good to go back a few steps in the forgiveness process and begin again to see the inherent worth in the one who hurt you, try to cultivate some empathy, bear the pain of this anger, and when you are ready consider a gift to the other (such as a smile or a kind word about the person to others).
I have forgiven someone, but I still feel like a victim. I want to grow beyond this view of myself as a victim. What is the next view of myself that you see as usually happening for people?
To see yourself as a victim means that you know you have been wronged. As you are seeing, if you keep this as your identity, then you are seeing yourself in a one-down position in that someone is keeping you down, keeping you under that person’s power. The next step is to see that you are a survivor. You have survived the attempt by others to keep you in a one-down position. The step after that is to see yourself not only as a survivor but also as a thriver. In other words, in your surviving the injustices, you have grown in your humanity, and you are now even better than before. I wish you the best in this journey of growth.
I told my partner that I forgave him. He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong. This rejection has increased my pain. I now have the pain from the original offense and now this. How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?
Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you. If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing. This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.
If I “bear the pain,” how will this allow me to cry?
To “bear the pain” does not mean to resist sadness. Instead, to “bear the pain” includes accepting the sadness as it comes without running away from it. To “bear the pain” is not to deny pain and sadness, but instead to courageously experience these. The wonderful paradox then is this: As you stand in the pain, allowing yourself to feel it, and deliberately not pass it to the one who hurt you or to others, it is you who begins to heal. In other words, the pain begins to lift.
