Tagged: “Anger”

What are the dangers of confusing forgiveness with excusing?

Consider two dangers.  First, if you excuse the behavior, you are saying it was not so bad.  You, therefore, may go into the relationship as before, opening yourself up to further hurt.  When you do not excuse the behavior, you can strive for fairness as you forgive.  As a second danger, equating forgiveness with excusing focuses on the other person’s behavior rather than on the other person directly.  It will be hard to truly forgive in such a circumstance because you will not be working on having mercy on the offending person; instead, you will concentrate on the behavior.  A focus on the behavior is too narrow to get a full view of the other as a worthwhile person.

Do I need empathy to forgive?

Empathy is the ability to “step inside the shoes” of others and to see the world from their viewpoint.  Empathy does help in the forgiveness process, but forgiveness goes well beyond empathy.  Empathy is morally neutral.  In other words, you can “step inside the shoes” of another person and see nastiness inside there.  As you see the world from the other’s viewpoint, you could develop disgust rather than sympathy.  Forgiveness challenges us to respond morally and work to see the inherent worth of the other, to see either goodness or at least the potential for goodness in the other.  This goes beyond the  moral neutrality of empathy.

Thank you for answering my previous question, “Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?” I now understand about forgiving as unconditional, meaning that the other does not have to apologize for me to go ahead and forgive.  Yet, I really want that apology.  Can you offer some insight into this for me, why I still want that apology even though I can forgive unconditionally?

I have written an essay on this very topic on my Psychology Today website.  Here is a link to that essay entitled, Why Is It So Hard to Forgive a Person Who Does Not Apologize?:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202512/why-is-it-so-hard-to-forgive-a-person-who-does-not-apologize

Can forgiveness occur without an apology and, if so, how?

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it concerns the offering of moral good to the one who was unfair.  You are free to offer any moral virtue unconditionally, whenever you wish.  For example, do others have to do something before you exercise the moral virtue of justice?  No, because you are free to be just or fair whenever you want.  It is the same with forgiveness.  You are free to forgive whenever you are ready.  Otherwise, the other person has too much power over you.  If you cannot forgive until the other apologizes, then you could be trapped with an unhealthy resentment inside of you for the rest of your life.

How can forgiving transform the way we see the one who was unfair?

Forgiveness expands one’s perspective of who the other person is.  As we forgive, the stereotype of who the other person is begins to diminish.  In other words, when people are hurt, they can think of the other only in terms of the hurtful behavior.  As we forgive, we begin to see the inherent worth of the other person, not to excuse the behavior, but instead to realize that the person is more than the unjust behavior.  Forgiving helps the injured person to see the common humanity with the other person, the possible internal wounds the other may be suffering, and the need to try extending mercy to that person.