Tagged: “Anger”
What do I say to a partner who keeps pressuring me to forgive? I am not a very virtuous person, he keeps telling me, if I will not forgive him.
A key question is this: Are you open to the possibility of forgiving in the future? If so, then you can discuss with your partner that forgiving can take time. You can clarify that your intention is to forgive, but you need a period of processing what happened, of dealing with your emotions (of sadness or anger, for example). You should let him know that forgiveness is a choice which needs to emerge slowly for you in this case. Even asking him for patience may reduce his pressure on you to forgive.
I have a problem with my partner. He does not see that he has hurt me, despite my best efforts. I now am wondering if reconciliation is even possible. What I mean is that he keeps hurting me and doesn’t even see it.
This is a difficult situation because you now have a lack of trust that he can change. I recommend that you first forgive him and from that softened-heart position, approach him at an opportune time and have this kind of a conversation with him: First, you could let him know that you suspect that he is practicing the psychological defense of denial, in that he possibly is afraid to see the truth of his hurtful actions. Second, if he begins to see that he indeed is using the defense of denial, you then can let him know the extent of your hurt, for example, on a 1-to-10 scale with 10 being an enormous amount of hurt. Third, if he sees this hurt and sees it as caused by his actions, the next step is to work with him on a plan to deliberately change the behavior that is causing the hurt. Please keep in mind that even if all three strategies work, it still will take some time for you to build up trust because this tends to develop slowly after a pattern of injustices that cause hurt. Your continuing to forgive may increase your patience with the trust process.
I am wondering why people don’t just simply use the word “kindness” rather than the word “forgiveness.” When you forgive, aren’t you just being kind to those who were obnoxious? If so, then shouldn’t we use the word “kindness”?
“Kindness” is not an exact enough word in the context of a person treating you unfairly. I say that because you can be kind without this issue of injustice entering into the situation. For example, you can be kind to a three-year-old who offers you her toy. She did nothing wrong to you. In the case of forgiveness, yes you can be kind, but you also can be loving and it always, without exception, occurs when someone was unfair to you. That is the specific difference between kindness and forgiveness. The latter always is in the context of being treated unfairly whereas kindness can occur when the other has been treating you kindly.
I hear a popular expression these days that is called “ghosting.” I am not exactly sure what that means, but I suspect it refers to someone who is just not there for you. I have such an issue now with a partner, who is quickly acting as if he wants to be my ex-partner. Can you help me understand this issue of “ghosting”?
Yes, as is the case with a recent question to me about the family as a forgiving community, I have written an essay at the Psychology Today website on the issue of ghosting and forgiveness here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/node/1114772/preview
What is a good source for developing the family as a forgiving group?
I have an essay at the Psychology Today website that addresses this issue: Is Your Family a Forgiving Community? Here is a link to that essay:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/node/1109144/preview
