Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
What is the difference between forgiving and excusing?
When you excuse, you are overlooking an offense. In other words, you no longer blame the other for the wrongdoing. When you forgive, you do not overlook the offense. When you forgive, you know that what the other person did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. When you forgive, you change the way you respond to the one who did wrong. You do not alter your perception of the wrong. You strive for kindness and even love toward the person, despite the wrongdoing.
I am a little confused. Your Process Model of Forgiveness asks the forgiver to examine the history of the one who acted badly. The point, it seems to me, is to see the woundedness in the one who was unfair. If I see that he was wounded, for example, in childhood, doesn’t this act as an excuse for his behavior?
Actually, no, this insight does not act as an excuse for his behavior because he has free will regarding how to respond to other people when he is wounded. Given his free will, he then has a choice to be fair to others or to exploit others . His previous woundedness does not automatically make him a robot who now acts badly.
I hurt someone without any intention of doing so. Yet, this person still is fuming at me and this really confuses me. I explained that I certainly did not mean to hurt her. I also apologized, but it seems to make no difference regarding her continued anger. What do I do about this?
First, you might consider forgiving yourself for the behavior even though there was no intention of acting badly. If you think this is appropriate, then I recommend trying self-forgiveness first. Next, do your best to be patient with this person because forgiving is this person’s decision and she obviously needs some time with her anger. If you can respond to her with kindness and respect, she eventually may see that forgiving is a viable and healthy response for the relationship.
Would you please list for me all of your publications that deal with people in correctional institutions? Thank you in advance for this.
As you have requested, here are our five articles on the theme of correctional institutions:
Enright, R.D. Erzar, T., Gambaro, M., Komoski, M.C., O’Boyle, J., Reed, G., Song, J., Teslik, M., Wollner, B., Yao, Z., & Yu, L. (2016). Proposing forgiveness therapy for those in prison: An intervention strategy for reducing anger and promoting psychological health. Journal of Forensic Psychology, 1:116. doi:10.4172/2475-319X.1000116
Yu, L., Gambaro, M. Komoski, M.C., Song, J., Song, M., Teslik, M., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D. (2018). The silent injustices against men in maximum security prison and the need for
forgiveness therapy: Two case studies. Journal of Forensic Psychology, 3:2, 137. DOI:
10.4172/2475-319X.1000137
Erzar, T. Yu, L., Enright, R.D., & Erzar, K.K. (2018). Childhood victimization, recent injustice, anger, and forgiveness in a sample of imprisoned male offenders. International Journal of Offender Therapy and Comparative Criminology, June, DOI: 10.1177/0306624X18781782
Song, M. J., Yu, L., & Enright, R.D. (2021). Trauma and healing in the under-served populations of homelessness and corrections: Forgiveness therapy as an added component to intervention. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 28, 694-714. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2531
Yu, L., Gambaro, M., Song, J., Teslik, M., Song, M., Komoski, M.C., Wollner, B., & Enright, R.D.
(2021). Forgiveness therapy in a maximum-security correctional institution: A randomized clinical trial. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy.https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2583
I don’t want to lose more time with my father. We are not reconciled and I am an adult. He is adamant in not reconciling with me. He keeps claiming that he is right about what happened in the past and I have been wrong. I admit that I did my part to create this tension, but I am not the only one who acted inappropriately. What can you suggest so that we can reconcile?
First, have you forgiven your father for the past difficulties and have you forgiven him for his insistence now that only you behaved badly? After you forgive, you will need to exercise perseverance. By this I mean that you will need to be open to appropriate times for continuing the dialogue about the past with your father. This will take time and a strong will on your part. Look for even small openings from your father’s heart in which he might be seeing, even a little bit, his part in the past difficulties. As you admit your own part in those past difficulties and gently ask him about his own behavior, this may lead to his finally seeing that the challenges were a two-way street. If he does, then a genuine reconciliation may occur.
