Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

I want to face the person who wronged me after I’ve forgiven. I feel that my forgiveness is lacking if I avoid confrontation. It is insufficient to simply think, feel, and even act in a positive way. For me to forgive, the other must change. Do you concur?

I concur that, if a sincere, trustworthy reconciliation is to be achieved, the other person should change. If the primary objective is to exercise the moral virtue of forgiveness, then I disagree. I take it from your comment that you want justice, which is admirable. However, forgiveness and justice are not synonymous. Recognize that confronting someone is a way to pursue justice. In order to avoid an unpleasant encounter, I advise forgiving before pursuing justice. Better justice-seeking and justice-outcomes can arise from doing justice after forgiveness.

Insights on Forgiveness & Childhood Trauma

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In a comprehensive literature review, a group of researchers found that forgiving others for adverse childhood experiences can be difficult.  Yet, they conclude in their Abstract, “…..forgiveness of specific perpetrators was associated with better outcomes across studies, though survivors with severe abuse histories typically reported greater difficulty with forgiving. Studies revealed harmful effects when survivors felt pressured to forgive, or not to forgive.”

The reference to this work is:

Kanter, R. L., & Wortham, J. S. (2026). Forgiveness and Adverse Childhood Experiences: A Scoping Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380251410088

I have forgiven my mom, but she refuses to see any wrong that she has done. I’m now an adult living away from home. Although my brother and I bear scars from her carelessness when we were growing up, she denies any neglect. My brother and I have given this matter a lot of thought, and we both feel that it is unfair. How can we show this to my mom?

Your mother appears to be denying what actually occurred. It can be challenging to alter such a psychological defensive mechanism. This can take some time for your mom. The denial may lessen if she sees your love and support without conditions. Try, in the spirit of forgiveness, to gently bring up one specific instance of neglect when she witnesses and feels your unconditional love. Together, the tangible referent and the unconditional love could help your mother overcome her denial and become receptive to your forgiveness.

I hold quite different political opinions from my partner. He certainly does not appreciate my position, but I do respect his. We have a lot of arguments. I want to know how I can forgive him for being so combative about politics.

You should discuss what it is to be a human with him, in my opinion. Do individuals transcend their political stances? What is this “more” that transcends politics, if any? Does he think you have these other significant traits? He should, in my opinion, widen his understanding that people are more significant than politics. He and you will need to work on this more transcendent viewpoint because it can be difficult to learn. Try to perceive your partner’s broader human traits as you extend forgiveness. Both of you having a broader viewpoint of the other will probably help your relationship.

From your reading, what is the earliest document that focuses, to at least some extent, on person-to-person forgiving?

From my reading, the earliest account of person-to-person forgiveness that gives some details is the story of Joseph forgiving his half-brothers for attempted murder and selling him into slavery in Egypt.  You can read this important narrative in Genesis, chapters 37-45.  The fact that nine chapters are devoted to this story of forgiveness is impressive.