Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

I am a mental health professional.  Some people want a quicker fix than what your Process Model offers.  Can you recommend a brief therapy instead?

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it is not possible to artificially push it into a traditional psychological set of techniques that might lead to quick forgiveness.  If the injustice is serious against your client and the hurt deep within that client, then time and practice definitely are recommended. It will be worth the effort because we find that traditional psychological techniques are not a substitute for a true struggle to grow in this heroic moral virtue.  A meta-analysis by Aktar and Barlow show statistically that longer periods of time in forgiving (12 and even more sessions) are more effective than short-term therapy of 4-6 sessions.  Here is a reference to that meta-analysis:

Akhtar, S., & Barlow, J. (2018). Forgiveness therapy for the promotion of mental well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 19(1), 107-122.

If the person refuses to accept my gift, should I try something other than forgiveness?

This depends on your goal.  Is your goal to reconcile?  If so, and if the other refuses to accept your gift out of denial of any wrongdoing, then you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation of the wrong done and the person’s denial of this.  Such a conversation may lead, or at least eventually lead, to a genuine reconciliation based on mutual trust.  If, on the other hand, your goal for now is to reduce the resentment inside of you, then your giving a gift that is not directly given (such as the kind word about the person to others or donating to charity in the person’s name) is sufficient for a good forgiveness response. Under this circumstance, you need not “try something other than forgiveness.”

Giving a gift to the one who hurt me sounds way too difficult. What do you suggest?

Giving a gift to the other in forgiveness occurs in our Process Model later in the process.  You need first to try to think of the one who hurt you in broader ways than just defining that person by the unjust actions.  From there you can practice bearing the pain or standing in the pain so that you do not displace that pain onto the one who hurt you or onto others.  Once you begin to feel stronger as you bear the pain, then you can consider giving a gift to the other.  This might be a smile or a returned email or even a kind word about the person to others. I recommend giving a gift because this is what the moral virtue of forgiveness is on a deep level: being good to the one who was not good to you.

If I have resentment but am unsure if forgiveness is the way to proceed, how can I know?

I would urge you to ask yourself these questions:

Have I been treated unjustly by someone or perhaps by more than one person?

Am I resentful of this treatment against me?  Try to give this a number from 1 (very little resentment) to 10 (extreme resentment that could be described as hatred).

If the number of your resentment is in the 5 t o 10 range, you may need some help in reducing that.  Thus, you should ask yourself this:  What have I been doing to reduce the resentment (if that number is in the 5 to 10 range)?

If what you have tried is not lowering that resentment number, then are you interested in trying forgiving as a way of reducing that resentment?

Your answers can help you determine whether or not to pursue forgiving.  It always remains your choice.

Would you please clarify how one forgives a large group such as a government?  In other words, do I forgive individuals or the whole group together?

I recommend that you first decide what the injustice is.  Who perpetrated this injustice specifically and concretely against you?  You can start with these specific people who directly hurt you.  Yet, this likely  is not enough.  I say this because, if this is a governmental dictate that led to hardship for you, then the group as a whole is implicated.  Thus, you can forgive the group because groups are comprised of persons and it was those persons who hurt you by their decisions.  Of course, it is more abstract to forgive an entire group, but you can do this because: a) groups can act unjustly; b) you still are forgiving persons and this is where forgiveness centers (we do not forgive a tornado, for example); c) you can have resentment toward the entire group of persons; and, d) your forgiving the group can reduce your resentment toward those who were unfair to you.