Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
Is Forgiveness Good for Your Health?
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A new article on forgiveness (How to let go of grudges — and why it could be good for your health) was published online by the Washington Post on Thursday, April 23, 2026. The article is behind a paywall ($2 for a one-time purchase of this one article) and can be found at this link!
What would you suggest to me about my worldview that I want to change. I basically have been duped into taking a strict materialist or neurobiological view of the world. This emerged from some of my reading. Here is what I mean: Some kept saying that we are what our neurons are. We are what our brainwaves are. That’s all we are. Now I see that this is nonsense because it has the hidden assumption that we are all robots. OK, it’s your turn. How would you respond to this, given your studies of forgiveness?
If we are nothing but robots wired to respond without our thinking, without our desires, then we never can truly forgive. Forgiveness assumes that people can choose to act unjustly. We assume that injustice is bad because the person had a choice to behave differently, more fairly. We assume that each person has free will, and this can and should be applied in such a way as to better other people and to better ourselves. What do you think?
In your experience, how will forgiving affect trust later on? For example, I was hurt in a past relationship, and now I am hesitant to enter into a new one. My trust is damaged.
Trust basically centers on reconciliation rather than on forgiveness. As people forgive, they tend to be more open to reconciliation, particularly when the other person is acting more fairly. A key issue about forgiveness and trust is this: If someone else is mean to you in a relationship, you now know how to forgive and so protect yourself from excessive anger. So, even if you feel that any new relationship might be a risk, you know that pathway to healing from the pains of conflict and separation: forgiveness. In other words, you have a powerful antidote to a breakup, and so, if and when you are ready, you could slowly try another relationship, knowing you have a cure for the pain of resentment if that relationship fails.
I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years. I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain. Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before. As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others. Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think?
Your being sensitive to other people need not lead to the conclusion that you are now weak. You do not seem to hesitate in speaking up out of fear, but out of insight—-knowledge that the one who is annoying is acting out of internalized pain. Please keep in mind that, as you see the other person’s pain, you still can move ahead with the moral virtue of justice and ask something of others. With your forgiving heart, the way you ask for justice now may be different, more gentle and patient than before, because you are realizing that you are addressing a hurting person.
What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away?
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I recently received a thoughtful letter from someone who has suffered gravely and extensively from others’ unjust actions. The letter was a response to an article in the Washington Post newspaper, published on Thursday, April 23, 2026 entitled, How to let go of grudges—-and why it could be good for your health.
Because the letter writer asked such an interesting question (What is the difference between forgiving and walking away?), I wanted to share my response while protecting the privacy of the person. Here is my reply:
I am sorry to hear of the terribly unjust actions that you have experienced in your life. You certainly deserve none of this.
Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you try to be good to those who have not been good to you. Basically, it is trying to cultivate mercy toward them. Walking away is different in that people can walk away with indifference, or even annoyance or hatred in their hearts.
I find that when people are treated very cruelly by others, it is difficult to walk away with a healed heart. Forgiveness is a powerful medicine for reducing, and even curing, the resentments that can literally last for the rest of a person’s life. Some people reject the idea of forgiveness or are not ready for it. In my experience, people who reject forgiveness actually misunderstand it, equating it with excusing what others did, with automatically reconciling (which a person does not have to do when forgiving), or with throwing justice under the bus. A person can forgive and seek justice.
So, if you think you are ready, you could start with a person who was not exceptionally cruel to you. Learn the forgiveness process with this one person. If forgiveness then seems reasonable to you, try another person, again choosing someone who was not extremely cruel to you. If you want to continue, keep choosing others who have hurt you a little more than the previous person you have forgiven. Eventually, you will be at the top of the pyramid, forgiving those who were exceptionally cruel to you.
If you accomplish all of this forgiving, you will stand triumphant, with a reduced resentment that might surprise you. Those who treated you cruelly then will have no emotional power over you in that the resentments remaining in your closet will be substantially reduced or eliminated.
If you go on this journey, I wish you the very best. Please let me know if you have any other questions about forgiveness.
