Tagged: “break free from the past”
Can there be true justice without forgiveness? If so, can you provide an example for me?
Here is an example of justice occurring without forgiveness: Suppose a person is arrested and convicted for assault. Justice has been realized in a court of law. The one assaulted may choose not to forgive. Even so, justice was served. The two, forgiveness and justice, need not occur together, but when people forgive, they can and should seek justice.
Can forgiveness alter the identity of the one who forgives? If so, how?
We address this issue in the book, The Forgiving Life. As people continue to practice forgiveness, they can, as Aristotle instructs, begin to develop a love for the virtue. When this occurs, the one who forgives may begin to see oneself as a forgiving person. This basically alters a person’s identity: “I am a forgiving person.”
You have said that self-forgiveness may take more time than forgiving others. Why do you say this?
In my experience, we tend to be harder on ourselves than we are on other people. As a result, it may take longer to forgive oneself. This is why I recommend that people new to self-forgiveness first practice forgiving another person or two to get familiar with the pathway of forgiveness before attempting to forgive themselves.
Isn’t forgiveness incomplete if there is no reconciliation?
No, actually, forgiveness can be complete even if there is no reconciliation. One of the primary goals of forgiveness, in its ideal sense, is to reconcile, thereby restoring trust and harmony in the relationship. Yet, as Louis Smedes says in his book Forgive and Forget, forgiveness is for imperfect people. As you forgive, the other may reject this merciful offer and continue with unjust actions. In this case, you can be free of any resentment even though the goal of a restored relationship (if there was a relationship before the injustice) does not occur.
Is It Better to Wait for the Other Person’s Apology Before Forgiving?
Photo by Vie Studio, Pexels.com
When people do not apologize, many of those hurt by others’ injustices believe that it is wrong—possibly even immoral—to forgive them. “My self-respect is demonstrated by my waiting for the other person to apologize,” I have heard people say. “I will not tolerate the cruel treatment.”
Yet, why is the way someone treats you correlated so strongly with your sense of self-respect? Rather than seeking validation from others to confirm your significance as a person, you can respect yourself for who you are, regardless of their responses to you.
Yes, sincere apologies are good. Waiting for the genuine apology, with the other person’s sense of remorse and repentance, can be a protection for both the relationship and for you. Such a sincere apology can signify that the other person will avoid similar injustices in the future.
A vital issue to keep in mind is this: Regardless of whether or not the other apologizes, you can and should ask for fairness from the person. This can occur even before the person apologizes. In this instance, the other person’s apology is not the sole means of obtaining justice.
Suppose you insist on an apology coming first. In that case, you are essentially saying to yourself, “I will not allow myself to exercise mercy toward this person until he/she acts in a certain way (an apology in this case).” Do you see how your freedom, including your ability to move past the injustice on an emotional level, has been restricted? It has been experimentally demonstrated that forgiveness lowers anger, anxiety, and depression. Your emotional healing may be slowed down or even prevented if you insist on an apology before you start the process of forgiveness.
You, not the other person, put yourself in the prison of unforgiveness with all of its possible wrath and suffering when you demand an apology from the other before you can forgive. It does not seem morally right to do this to yourself.
The way to emotional liberation is to forgive without condition. With anger lessened and a sense of the inherent worth of the other, which can be fostered as you forgive, your path to a just solution is enhanced. After all, talking with others when you are fuming with anger may not lead to the best outcome for both of you.
