Tagged: “break free from the past”
In your intervention research, have you ever encountered a person who was made decidedly worse when going through the forgiveness process?
In our scientific studies, we have not seen any dramatic examples of people becoming decidedly worse once they willingly start the forgiveness process. Some people do not change their levels of anger, anxiety, depression, or self-esteem. This often is the case because the person has not spent enough time in the process and needs more of that time to effect the desired psychological change. We have not encountered anyone, in a wide variety of settings (incest survivors, people in drug rehabilitation, people in maximum-security prison), who becomes more enraged as a result of truly being engaged in the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Research.
My spouse says that I am an angry person. She is correct, but I cannot recall anyone in particular who treated me unfairly. So, what’s up with my anger?
You might have what is called repressed memories in that you are in denial about some injustices from your past. Sometimes, we so respect our parents, for example, that it is hard to admit unjust treatment from them. See if this might fit your own case. At the same time, it can be the case that you are angry because you reason that the world owes you a lot more than is reasonable. In this case, you might have some narcissistic tendencies (a me-first mind set). This can be hard to admit because narcissism exalts the self. It takes the moral virtue of humility to see the narcissism and to willingly change the pattern.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I don’t feel anger. So, I don’t need to forgive my father for ignoring me while I was growing up, right?
You do not have to feel anger to forge ahead with forgiving. For example, are you feeling disappointed or sad? Do you think you can have a genuine trusting relationship with your father now? If not, then forgiving would be appropriate. In other words, it is not only feelings of anger that motivate forgiving. If you think you have been treated unfairly and this is getting in the way of your current relationship with your father, then forgiving would be appropriate if you choose to do so.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
How can forgiving make you just turn your back on the past as if it no longer exists, yet it still constantly haunts you?
Forgiveness does not ask you to “turn your back on the past.” When we forgive, we remember, but we remember in new ways rather than re-living all of the grim details that caused us pain. For example, when you forgive, you see the one who hurt you as emotionally wounded (if this is true). You see the other’s vulnerability. This helps to reduce the pain as you recall what happened. Also, as you forgive, you likely will not be re-living that event as often as you did before forgiving.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
Do I have to grow in character before I am able to forgive? If so, what character traits do you see as important?
This is one of those chicken-or-the-egg dilemmas. It seems to me that as we forgive, we grow in the moral virtues, particularly of courage (as we decide to move forward), humility (as we try to see the humanity in the one who acted unfairly), and then eventually in love, particularly agape love, or that which is in service to others for their sake. Agape love costs the one who loves; it can be a struggle to offer goodness to another through a broken heart. These three: courage, humility, and agape love, I think, are major fruits of forgiving.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
