Tagged: “break free from the past”
How can a person go about finding out how angry he is? What does this process look like?
There are at least two steps to uncovering anger. The first is to look within and to rate what you see for now as your level of anger. This can be done either by filling out a valid anger scale or more simply by using the 1 to 10 scale of pain that you typically see in a doctor’s office. That 1 to 10 scale ranges from no anger inside at all (rated 1), to a medium amount of anger (rated 5), to an extreme amount of anger that is very painful (rated 10).
Once a person makes a judgement about the anger, a next step is to discuss how forgiving those who have hurt you can lessen anger. Once you are convinced that forgiveness can help you, this becomes a kind of safety net for you. This safety net then can help you to let down your psychological defenses about how angry you really are. At this point, you can re-take the valid anger scale or again go through the 1 to 10 scale exercise. At this point, people tend to admit even more anger than they did the first time because they now are not afraid of that anger, afraid that there is no solution to that anger. From here, the process of forgiveness begins.
How do I overcome a sense of self-loathing? I do not like myself for my past behaviors.
I would recommend that you begin to practice self-forgiveness, which should reduce that sense of self-condemnation or self-loathing. I actually have an essay at the Psychology Today website with a title that includes those exact words, self-loathing. The essay gives you advice on beginning the self-forgiveness process. Here is a link to that essay:
The Cure to Self-Loathing? Self-Forgiveness
As I forgive, I am finding that my anger comes and goes. I find this frustrating as I expected a straight line from anger to no anger. Can you provide some perspective for me?
The philosopher from ancient Greece, Aristotle, reminds us that we are all imperfect when it comes to the expression of any of the moral virtues. Therefore, please try to be gentle with yourself and to humbly accept that you will not have a perfect straight line from anger to no anger. You certainly are not alone in this as the vast majority of us can experience a resurgence of anger. At that point, it is good to go back a few steps in the forgiveness process and begin again to see the inherent worth in the one who hurt you, try to cultivate some empathy, bear the pain of this anger, and when you are ready consider a gift to the other (such as a smile or a kind word about the person to others).
I have forgiven someone, but I still feel like a victim. I want to grow beyond this view of myself as a victim. What is the next view of myself that you see as usually happening for people?
To see yourself as a victim means that you know you have been wronged. As you are seeing, if you keep this as your identity, then you are seeing yourself in a one-down position in that someone is keeping you down, keeping you under that person’s power. The next step is to see that you are a survivor. You have survived the attempt by others to keep you in a one-down position. The step after that is to see yourself not only as a survivor but also as a thriver. In other words, in your surviving the injustices, you have grown in your humanity, and you are now even better than before. I wish you the best in this journey of growth.
I told my partner that I forgave him. He did not accept it and told me he did nothing wrong. This rejection has increased my pain. I now have the pain from the original offense and now this. How do you suggest I deal with this doubling of my pain?
Yes, his rejection of your gift of forgiveness is another pain for you. If you think he is being unjust in this, you can deliberately forgive him for the original offense and then you can begin forgiving him for this second offense of denying any wrongdoing. This double injustice does make the forgiveness journey harder, but it will be worth the effort if you are motivated to forgive both actions by your partner.
