Tagged: “break free from the past”
I really want to forgive a family member, but I don’t want to go ahead without hearing those three little words, “I am sorry.” I have read your posts about how forgiving is unconditional, and so I can go ahead whenever I am ready. Yet, isn’t it the case that if I wait for this person to apologize, I’m actually helping him see the error of his ways, repent, and change?
Yes, if you wait on forgiving, this can get the other person’s attention to see the injustice, change, and apologize. Yet, is this the only way to help the person? In other words, if you forgive, you then can approach the person with gentleness, point out the unfair behavior, and share how that behavior hurt you emotionally. Do you think that, too, might help him to feel sorry and repent?
Here is my eighth and final slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is letting what happened be what it is, with a focus on the present, and thriving now.”
This suggests equating forgiveness with acceptance. Yet, forgiveness is not about focusing on the situation itself, even if it involves accepting that situation, but instead emphasizes mercy toward a person, particularly the one who was unjust to you. I would highly recommend that you consult the special issue of the Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, February 2025, in which the definition of forgiveness is examined in philosophical depth.
Here is my seventh slogan about forgiveness: “Just let it go and move on.”
You can “just let it go” because you are, even subtly, condemning the person. In other words, you could be passing a very negative judgement toward the one who offended by thinking in this way: “This person is such a low-life that there are no redeeming qualities in this person. So, I will just dismiss what happened and move on.” This is the antithesis of having mercy on a person who was unfair.
Here now is my sixth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness is about giving love. Yet, that love is centered on giving it to ourselves and not to the one who behaved badly.”
You, again, are confusing the essence of forgiveness, which is a free-will giving of goodness to the other person, and the consequence of what happens inside the forgiver. Yes, you can experience love toward the self (as a consequence) as you offer this to the other, seeing that person as possessing inherent worth and as someone who shares a common humanity with you. This consequence does not then become what forgiveness is in its essence.
Here is my fifth slogan about forgiveness: “Forgiveness ultimately is about freedom. It is a freedom from the burden of resentment because of what happened to me.”
Actually, forgiveness is about giving, the giving of goodness in the form of mercy, and on its highest level, love to those who behaved badly. As with your fourth slogan, you may be confusing what forgiveness is with one major consequence of forgiving. As we give this mercy to the other (in terms of what forgiveness is), a consequence often is freedom from resentment.
