Tagged: “break free from the past”
Have you changed anything about yourself since studying forgiveness?
I think I have become much more attuned to the suffering of others. I now try to see beneath the surface of others to their inner world, particularly the woundedness that others carry silently within them, and I think there is a great deal of this woundedness in the world.
For additional information, see Choose Love, Not Hate.
I never met my father, who abandoned the family before I was born. I wonder now: How can I take a perspective on him, given that I have never met him?
You might start by asking your mother about him: What does she know about his upbringing? What does she know of how others treated him so badly that perhaps his trust was damaged? Also, you do not have to know someone personally to ask this: Is this person a human being as I am? What do we have in common as part of our shared humanity? Does he possess inherent worth as I do? You can do a lot of this kind of cognitive work without knowing the specifics of a person’s life.
For additional information, see Inherent Worth.
What is one very surprising thing you have learned about forgiveness?
One surprise is how angry some people can get when the word forgiveness is mentioned. I find that this happens especially when the one so angered has been treated very badly by others. The person then sees forgiveness as possibly dangerous (because it is seen as giving in to the other’s manipulations) and morally inappropriate (because the person thinks that one has to receive justice before forgiveness occurs). Another surprise I have found, by studying forgiveness scientifically, is how powerful it is in restoring psychological health when the person has been devastated by the injustice.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
I have noticed in some of the more recent posts here, you have been discussing the theme of taking a cognitive perspective on the person who has hurt me. How do I gain this cognitive perspective on myself if I want to forgive myself?
A key here is to apply these new thinking perspectives, which you have offered to others as you forgive them, now to yourself. For example, try to see that you have inherent (built-in) worth, not because of what you did that was offensive, but in spite of this. Try to see that you share a common humanity with others. While not excusing behavior in need of change, try to see that you are much more than those behaviors. As you engage in this kind of thinking, this may help you to forgive yourself.
For additional information, see Self-Forgiveness.
Forgiveness, I have concluded, is ultimately a selfish act. We do it for ourselves. Comments on this?
There is a large difference between what forgiveness is and some of the consequences realized when we forgive. One of the consequences of forgiving others is that we, ourselves, begin to feel better. Yet, these more positive feelings toward the self are not what forgiveness actually is. Forgiveness is a deliberate, self-chosen virtue of being good to those who are not good to us. This, as you can see by the definition, is focused, not on the self, but instead on the other, on the one who hurt us. Thus, forgiving is not a selfish act or even a self-interested act, but one of the consequences is that forgiving helps the self. This is not selfish to want to feel better and at the same time we should not confuse what forgiveness is and one of its consequences.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
