Tagged: “break free from the past”
How Do Forgiveness and Tolerance Differ?
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Below is a Socratic dialogue between the mental health professional, Sophia, and her client, Inez. These are fictional characters. The conversation comes from the book, The Forgiving Life (APA Books, 2012).
Sophia: Are toleration and forgiveness the same?
Inez: They are very close to the same thing. When I forgive, I offer civility, respect, and even love toward the one who hurt me. I do not condemn, attack, or in any way harm the other. Toleration also deliberately avoids hurting the other person. So, they are synonyms.
Sophia: What do you think of this? To tolerate has two related meanings. First, it means to “put up with” another’s unpleasant behavior, as when a friend puts up with another’s unpleasant habit of always answering her mobile phone when the two of them are in deep conversation. Because the person with such a habit is not necessarily conscious of it, we can hardly say that all acts of toleration concern unjust behaviors on the part of the other person. Second, to tolerate means to recognize and respect the rights of others. Because a genuine right is never a wrong, such toleration cannot be forgiveness, which occurs in the context of others’ wrongs.
Inez: But, when I forgive, can’t we say that I am not harming the other? Because tolerance offers this as well, can’t we say that forgiveness shares something important with tolerance?
Sophia: Yes, we could say this, but what do you think? Does forgiveness share more with tolerance or more with moral love?
Inez: It shares something with each.
Sophia: But which one shares more with forgiveness?
Inez: I’d say that love has more in common with forgiveness because when we show goodness toward someone who has hurt us, this is a great good and much more than “putting up with” something or someone.
Sophia: Well said.
Inez: Thank you, Sophia. This is kind of fun. I think I am catching on to the depth of forgiveness.
Enright, Robert D.. The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love (APA LifeTools Series) (Function). Kindle Edition.
I think that feelings of guilt, within temperate bounds, actually is healthy. In other words, a person who feels guilty can take action to correct a wrong. Given that this is the case, might my forgiving someone be ill-advised since I think those who do wrong should feel guilty?
When you forgive, you are not asking a person to feel no guilt because of the unfair treatment. A healthy way to forgive is to offer mercy and then to ask for fairness. This seeking fairness is not part of forgiveness, but rather is part of the moral virtue of justice, which can coexist with forgiveness. Once the other person sees, acknowledges, and changes the unfairness, then it is appropriate to help the person reduce the guilty feelings. Forgiving a person will not create a false sense of guilt reduction if you proceed with the request for fairness, in the hope the other responds positively to this.
I’m confused about forgiveness in the following context. I am trying to forgive my brother for something that, to me, clearly was wrong. He keeps insisting that he did nothing wrong. He says I am a hypocrite if I proceed with my forgiveness. Can I go ahead and forgive him, even though he is continually denying any wrongdoing?
Yes, you can forgive whenever you are ready, because forgiving is your choice, not someone else’s. You can forgive your brother without announcing it to him. You even can consider forgiving him for his insistence that you are a hypocrite. Again, the choice always is yours.
How do I deal with a 9-year-old friend of my son whose parents say that forgiveness is stupid? I do not want to impose, but at the same time, I am very sad for this child who likely is getting incorrect information about forgiveness.
It has been my experience that when people are adamantly opposed to forgiving, they always and without exception have a misunderstanding about what it actually is. It seems obvious to me that the friend of your son has discussed forgiveness with you, given that he shared his parents’ views on the matter. When forgiveness comes up again, you could gently ask this: “What do you think forgiveness is?” Be sure to explain what it is not. It is not caving into the injustices of the person who is acting unfairly. The forgiver may or may not reconcile. Try to explain that forgiving is the free will act of being good to those who are not good to the forgiver, without automatically reconciling if the other person continues with hurtful behavior. Having a conversation with the child’s parents about what forgiveness is and is not would be even better if the opportunity is available.
Can you provide at least one example of how someone can overcome the denial of excessive anger?
Sometimes people deny their anger because they see no way to cure that anger. So, out of even subconscious fear of that anger (because the person does not see a cure), then denial occurs and remains. When people see, through examining the science of forgiveness, that there is a cure for unhealthy anger, then they tend toward a willingness to take a look inside at the level of anger and to address it. Besides seeing the scientific evidence, if people who are afraid of their anger have a caring, supportive person to assist in the forgiveness process, this, too, can help to ease the fear of the anger and to let down, at least to a point for now, the denial of that anger.
