Tagged: “break free from the past”
I need some help in understanding your views on one aspect of the forgiveness process. You ask the forgiver to look into the offending person’s past to see if he was wounded by others, for example, when he was a child. This sounds like a phony rationalization exercise for just excusing what he did. After all, if I look into his past and see that his father gave him a hard time I might reason this way: “Oh, the poor dear suffered as a child. I, therefore, can just let it go that he abused me.” Can you help me with this?
There is a large difference between understanding another person’s emotional wounds from other people and excusing the hurtful behavior because of this. The point of this thinking exercise is to better understand the offending person, not to find excuses for his unjust behavior toward you. As you forgive, you need to keep in mind that what he did to you was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. Yet, part of forgiveness is to at least slowly begin to see that this person is human, with built-in worth, even though he behaved very badly toward you. Without excusing the behavior, we try to separate the person and the actions so that you see a genuine human being rather than defining him exclusively by his unjust behavior.
It seems impossible for people to forgive exceptionally unjust actions against them. Life-threatening events seem like just too much for anyone to forgive. What is your view of this?
There is a difference between some people not being able to forgive or even refusing to forgive and the impossibility of forgiving. Yes, there are people who–right now–may not be able to forgive others for extreme injustices. This is not necessarily the final word on the matter because a person may decide later that forgiveness is possible. At the same time, we need to realize that no injustice, no matter how severe, is outside the realm of forgiveness for everyone. Here is one example: Eva Mozes Kor was in the Auschwitz concentration camp and she was able to forgive the Nazis for this atrocity, even though not all would do so. Eva shows us what is possible regarding the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness.
This actually is not a question, but instead is a statement to encourage your readers and you. I am in my early 20s and have had conflicts with my mother for years. I started on the forgiveness path and upon going home for summer vacation after my college semester ended, I was able to hug her for the first time in a long time. It felt great and I am now very hopeful for both my relationship with my mother and my ability to forgive those who hurt me in the future. Thank you.
You are welcome. We are glad to hear of these positive developments in your life.
I am disappointed with my partner, who was recently fired from his job. The company administrators did all they could to stay afloat, but in the end, they had to close the door. Should I forgive my partner because I am disappointed with this outcome?
It’s understandable that you are disappointed with your partner’s recent job loss. It is important, however, to differentiate between an unfortunate situation that is not an injustice and a genuine injustice that is unfair. In this case, it seems your partner’s actions were not unjust, making forgiveness unnecessary. Instead, consider focusing on acceptance of the situation and providing support during this challenging transition. It is important to realize that your partner likely is feeling disappointed, too.
I recently heard the idea that to forgive is to show disrespect toward an unfair person. The point was this: The other needs to be given a chance to repent and change behavior. Forgiveness seems to just wrap up everything, with no chance for the offender to change. What do you think about this criticism?
We actually have given a response to this criticism on this website here:
As you will see, we disagree with the criticism.
