Tagged: “break free from the past”
If I do not reconcile once I have forgiven, does this make the forgiveness process incomplete?
Forgiveness is what you are able to offer, from your own free will, and when you do so, then you have done the best that you can right now. Reconciliation, in contrast, involves at least two or more people coming together again in mutual—-mutual—-trust. If the other person remains unrepentant and continues with hurtful, unjust behavior, you can go in peace knowing that you have forgiven, and so you can go in peace. Your forgiving is complete even if the other refuses to reconcile.
It seems to be dangerous to advocate for forgiveness when a person is being abused in a partnering relationship. Wouldn’t such forgiveness simply encourage the forgiver to stay in the unhealthy relationship?
Actually, no. Forgiving, properly understood, does not include automatic reconciliation. A person can begin to forgive while in the relationship, so that the anger can be reduced, which would be healthy for the forgiver. This person then can ask for justice, and if the severe injustice continues, then the forgiver could consider leaving the toxic relationship.
‘I Forgive You’: After Decades Behind Bars for His Wife’s Murder, Leo Schofield Finds Healing in a Call with the Man Who Confessed
Image by Tyler Lastovich, Pexels.com
On April 11, 2025, The News Review (https://www.nrtoday.com/he-served-36-years-for-his-wife-s-murder-and-then-forgave-the-man-who/article_473a7a92-17a1-4b83-95e0-e353e4bcb615.html) in Oregon reported on a man, Leo Schofield, who allegedly killed his wife. He was released from a correctional institution after serving 36 years. He maintained his innocence throughout the imprisonment.
Upon being released to regular society, Mr. Schofield took about one year, and then he had a telephone conversation with the man, Jeremy Scott, who proclaimed on several occasions that he was the one who murdered Mr. Schofield’s wife. It was at that time that Mr. Schofield forgave the other man, reporting that forgiveness is a process of “being freed from the effect” of the hurt he carried inside.
Mr. Schofield seems to have gone through the process of what we call the Work Phase of forgiveness, in which he started to think about Mr. Scott in new ways, not to condone what he did, but to better understand him. As reported in The News Review, Mr. Schofield said this, “‘I developed a certain respect and somewhat of an affinity for the guy,’ he said. ‘I wanted to tell him that I genuinely forgive him and, more important, I wanted him to know that there are people that care about him and want to see him do right.’”
Can I forgive my cat who clawed up my favorite pillow?
I would urge you to accept what your cat did, but not forgive your cat. Cats, like other mammals, do not have rational faculties as humans do. Cats do not reason out what is right and wrong the way people do. Therefore, we cannot impute ill intent to cats the way we can with people. Forgiveness, then, is for persons and not for cats, dogs, or non-sentient issues such as tornadoes.
Do you think that, as people forgive and see the one who acted unfairly as a genuine human being with weaknesses, there is a tendency to reinterpret that person’s intentions connected to the actions? In other words, the forgiver then does not see the intention as a desire to do bad things?
I think, as people forgive those who had bad intentions, the forgivers still see the intent as bad. The forgiveness response does not change the perception of the other’s intent. Instead, forgiving changes how the forgiver perceives the offending person as someone of inherent worth, despite the bad intent.
