Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
Do I have to grow in character before I am able to forgive? If so, what character traits do you see as important?
This is one of those chicken-or-the-egg dilemmas. It seems to me that as we forgive, we grow in the moral virtues, particularly of courage (as we decide to move forward), humility (as we try to see the humanity in the one who acted unfairly), and then eventually in love, particularly agape love, or that which is in service to others for their sake. Agape love costs the one who loves; it can be a struggle to offer goodness to another through a broken heart. These three: courage, humility, and agape love, I think, are major fruits of forgiving.
For additional information, see What is Forgiveness?
My friend has anger. He seems to have a pattern of distracting himself whenever he has a resurgence of his anger. In other words, he buries himself in computer games, has fun, and the anger subsides. Yet, that anger never seems to leave. He can get all hot-under-the-collar, as they say, and have temper tantrums. So, is the method of distraction ok or not?
The method of distraction as a coping mechanism for deep anger only is a short-term solution. In other words, distraction masks the anger for a while, but it does not cure the anger. Have you talked with your friend about what is bothering him? If it is an injustice from another person or persons, perhaps it is time to consider forgiving. This may not eliminate all of his anger, but it should reduce it to more manageable levels.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
As a follow-up to my previous question about retaining anger for years, is it truly forgiving another if there is anger still present, even if that anger is mild and not toxic?
Yes, if you wish the other well, if you see the other as possessing unconditional inherent (built-in) worth, and if you have committed to doing no harm to that person, then you have forgiven. Having some anger does not invalidate all of this goodness that you have toward the one who hurt you.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
You talk a lot about how forgiveness lowers one’s anger. You further state that too much anger is unhealthy for a person. Yet, isn’t it possible for anger to linger for a very long time when someone close to you betrays you?
Yes, you do make a good point. When betrayed by a loved one (and many other examples of injustice), anger can continue for a very long time, even years. Yet, there is an important difference between feeling some anger as you recall what happened and being dominated by intense, unhealthy anger. Forgiveness, practiced patiently over time, can reduce this unhealthy form of anger. Having some anger left over simply shows that you are human and you are still, legitimately, responding to what happened to you. You are saying that you are a person of worth who should not have been treated this way. So, I think you can go in peace knowing that you have forgiven even with some residual anger. If you are feeling the intense, toxic anger on a regular basis, I suggest that you turn once again to the process of forgiveness to lower that anger.
For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy?
Is wanting to forgive for your own health selfish? Is it effective?
Suppose you hurt your knee while running. Further suppose that you want to make an appointment at Sports Medicine to address the issue. Is this selfish? There is a large difference between being selfish (absorbed with yourself at the expense of others) and engaging in self-care (attending to your needs without neglecting others’ needs). Forgiving is good self-care. Our research shows a cause-and-effect relationship between learning to forgive and improvement in heart health for cardiac patients:
Waltman, M.A., Russell, D.C., Coyle, C.T., Enright, R.D., Holter, A.C., & Swoboda, C. (2009). The effects of a forgiveness intervention on patients with coronary artery disease. Psychology and Health, 24, 11-27.
Our research shows a cause-and-effect relationship between learning to forgive and improvement in fibromyalgia symptoms:
Lee, Y-R & Enright, R.D. (2014) A forgiveness intervention for women with fibromyalgia who were abused in childhood: A pilot study. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 1, 203-217. doi: 10.1037/scp0000025.
A recent meta-analysis showed a statistically significant correlation between degree of forgiveness and a host of different physical issues:
Lee, Y.R. & Enright, R.D. (2019): A meta-analysis of the association between forgiveness of others and physical health. Psychology & Health, 34, 626-643.
So, yes, forgiving does seem advantageous for one’s physical health.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Individuals.
