Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

I don’t think that I have forgiven the one who abused me in childhood. The emotional wounds are deep. In working on your Process Model of Forgiveness, I have overcome my profound anger. I still have some anger, but it is manageable. What is bothering me is that I cannot seem to find any positive feelings for this person. Does this mean I have not forgiven yet?

Because you have overcome much of your deep anger toward the person, it seems to me that you have been successful so far in your forgiveness journey. Reducing anger to manageable levels is very important. Sometimes, people are so emotionally wounded that they do not have positive feelings or even positive thoughts about the other. We are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes (who wrote the book Forgive and Forget, published in 1984) reminded us. So, I recommend that you be gentle with yourself and see the triumph in your forgiveness journey to this point. You are making progress. If you choose to continue this journey, keep trying to see the inherent worth in the one who hurt you. As you cultivate that in your mind and your emotions, some positive feelings may begin to emerge for you toward the person. Even if this does not occur, your continuing to forgive will help you keep the anger under control, as you are doing now. Please be encouraged by this.

When my brother and I got into an argument as kids, my parents would frequently ask us to shake hands and “just forgive” one another. The phrase “I forgive you” seemed to be the final step before going on to something else. Because of this, I now consider forgiveness to be a somewhat flimsy solution to issues. What should I do as a father right now, in your opinion, to prevent my kids from developing a shallow concept of forgiveness?

You are right when you say that the lessons we teach our children about forgiveness may have an impact on them well into adulthood. I’m not saying that there won’t be further development in their understanding once they are in their adult years. Rather, what I mean is that beyond childhood, the impressions formed (whether correct or error-filled)—forgiveness is vital, forgiveness is not very important, forgiveness is about loving others, forgiving is like a fast handshake—remain.

This is crucial: Don’t minimize what forgiveness is. Simplify, yes, but avoid distortion. For instance, our teacher/parent handbook for forgiveness education for 6-year-olds in the first grade (in the United States) teaches these young children that forgiving:

1. takes place when there is unfairness;

2. entails recognizing the intrinsic value of everyone, even those who have harmed them;

3. incorporates the virtues of kindness, respect, and love (charity or caring about others for their own sake);

4. does not always involve making amends if the other person poses a threat;

5. does not imply that we disregard justice.

It may seem like quite a challenge to expect this of six-year-olds, and it is. Stories such as Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss are used by the instructor or parent to teach first-grade (in the United States) students. All five of the aforementioned ideas are easily understood by the students, who can subsequently use them in the classroom and on the playground when peer conflicts occur. As the teacher reads each book (or a shorter summary) to the class, the instructional guides give them questions and answers.

In addition to the first-grade curriculum guide, we offer guides for grades pre-kindergarten (age 4) through grade 12 (again utilizing the Unitary States grade system) for students aged 17 and 18.  These forgiveness education curriculum guides are available in the Shop section of this website.

At the start of our relationship, my girlfriend was quite abusive for a long period, emotionally, verbally, and once physically. I supported her through it and her difficult self-healing process. I was unaware that to stay with her, I had erected barriers of deep anger and self-preservation. I began to vent my anger on her, and I probably also emotionally abused her for several months. However, I’ve since come to terms with it and started going to counseling to deal with my resentment toward her. Although she has made the decision to end the relationship, I believe we can work things out. How can we both forgive one another and move on? I know our relationship can be repaired.

It is difficult for me to learn about your partner’s past without speaking with her. I have a suspicion that she was subjected to considerably unfair treatment in her past. She should consider first examining this and, if she is willing, extend forgiveness to those who were or continue to be unfair to her. Her trust appears to have been damaged, possibly as a result of previous injustices. If she can recognize and address previous abuses and then forgive those who offended, your relationship has a good chance of healing. When the time comes for you both to forgive one another, she will have discovered the way to do so. When it’s time for you two to work together, I suggest reading Chapter 13 of the book The Forgiving Life.

Is it possible to have too much forgiveness?

Like kindness, love, and justice, forgiveness is a moral virtue. Let’s rephrase the question: Is it ever possible to have too much justice? No, is the response. How can someone have too much fairness? Is it possible to be too brave? Once more, the response is no. By partaking in one of the vices linked to a certain virtue, we might skew courage—or any other virtue. Reckless bravado is one vice that is linked to courage. For instance, a person who is not able to swim might bravely jump into a wild sea to save a drowning puppy. This is reckless bravado, an unwise response, not courage. Therefore, just as we established with our example of justice that we cannot have too much of a true virtue, it would appear that we, too, cannot have too much forgiveness. Goodness in abundance is not a negative thing.

The vices connected to a certain virtue are what we need to avoid, as demonstrated by the courage example. Excessive submissiveness, where we allow others to take advantage of us, is one such vice associated with forgiveness. However, as we can see, the issue here is not forgiveness per se, but rather the way forgiveness is distorted.

Dr. Enright is sharing the good news of forgiveness in interviews across the world!

Dr. Robert Enright

Since our most recent post in May on this IFI News page, Dr. Robert Enright has had the following media interviews concerning different aspects of forgiveness:

Interview with Waldir Ochoa, ENTREVISTAS JIUMAN, Colombia, South America, on the topic of forgiveness, May 2, 2024.

Live interview with Dr. Michael Aronoff, Sirius XM, Doctor Radio, on the topic of forgiveness, June 25, 2024.

Interview with Gael Aitor and Kayla Suarez for Grown Kid podcast, July 12, 2024.

Interview with Malene Jensen, Weekendavisen newspaper, Denmark, on the topic of forgiveness, August 15, 2024.

Interview with Kari Knutson, University of Wisconsin-Madison Communications, on the topic of the Gallagher Brothers and the possibility of forgiveness, August 29, 2024.

Interview on the Radio Breakfast Show, Surrey, United Kingdom, on the topics of repentance and forgiveness, September 20, 2024.

Interview with Yowei Shaw, Proxy, an Apple podcast, on the topic of forgiveness, October 10, 2024.