Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”
I read recently that people can learn to forgive in as little as 2 or 3 hours. Can Forgiveness Therapy really be that quick?
When people forgive extreme injustices, do others condemn this?
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Some people have made the claim that when a person forgives others for extreme injustices, then the forgiver is open to discrimination and heavy criticism. Yet, a study published in 2022 suggests otherwise. Eaton, Olenewa, and Norton (2022) asked over 100 college students in each of two studies to react to two stories, one in which a woman forgives the murderer of her child and the other in which a person forgives the drunk driver who killed the spouse and child. In both studies, even though the participants tended to disagree with the decision to forgive, most did not criticize the forgivers. At least in this study, those who are what the authors called “extreme forgivers” were not held up to extreme criticism. Even if they were, it is the forgivers’ choice whether or not to offer this surprising goodness if they choose to do so.
Eaton, J., Olenewa, J., & Norton, C. (2022). Judging extreme forgivers: How victims are perceived when they forgive the unforgivable. International Review of Victimology, 28, 33-51. https://doi.org/10.1177/02697580211028021
Should we use different words for “student loan forgiveness”?
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In perusing the Internet recently, I frequently read the term “student loan forgiveness”…….again and again…….and again. Setting aside the differences of opinion of whether or not this is a good idea, my point here is to suggest that the term should change. There is a large difference between legal pardon and forgiveness. Legal pardon is not a moral virtue. The one who pardons the loans is not the one who was offended by the loaner. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, in contrast, is concerned with reaching out to those who have been unfair and hurtful toward the forgiver. Given these distinctions, let us make a turn and refer to the loan issue as “student loan pardon.” Why? It is for this reason: Forgiveness already is misunderstood by many. For example, forgiveness can be erroneously associated with “just giving in” or “letting the hurt go.” If we now equate forgiveness with third-party people taking debt away, we are continuing to move away from the true meanings of the word forgiveness. Let us correct this. Student loan pardon needs to be the new term.
When I was talking with a friend about forgiveness, this was her response: “I am no push-over. I fear that if I forgive, then I become that push-over. I have to stand up for what is right. I have to stand up for myself.” I was not sure how to respond to this. Would you please help me?
Your friend seems to think that if she forgives, then she gives up her right to justice. This is not true. Forgiveness and justice can exist together. So, she can have the mercy of forgiveness and then ask for fairness from the other person.
What is your recommendation for my helping a friend consider forgiveness when she is very angry about what happened? I worry that if I use the word “forgiveness” she will quickly dismiss it.
You could start this way: You could start with yourself and gently describe how you overcame deep anger by forgiving someone who was unfair to you. It is important, in such a conversation, that you keep the focus at first on yourself. It also is important that you describe what forgiveness is, including that it does not excuse unjust behavior. If your friend sees your success in forgiving and understands what forgiveness is and is not, she may eventually be open to the possibility of forgiveness. Please keep in mind that this is her choice, whether to forgive or not.
