Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
What would you say to someone who refuses to reconcile with the one who hurt him or her?
The person who refuses to reconcile might have legitimate trust issues in that the other person continues to behave unjustly. The person who refuses to reconcile, rather than struggling with legitimate trust issues toward the other person, may have inner turmoil to such an extent that it is difficult to reach out in forgiveness, which is a step before reconciliation. In this latter case, the one who will not reconcile may need first to work on forgiving and on his or her own trust issues. In other words, deep hurts and unforgiveness can make it difficult to trust people who are trustable.
I think waiting for an apology prior to forgiving is a protection for the forgiver, who has been hurt by the other’s actions. What do you think?
When our goal is to protect ourselves, which is a very good thing to do, we are exercising the moral virtue of justice. When we are forgiving, we are exercising the moral virtue of mercy. We can and should let both grow up together. Therefore, a person can forgive first and with this softened heart ask fairness of the other, which can include the request for an apology.
What is the difference between transcending your anger and forgiving?
When we forgive, we do more than transcend our anger. Forgiveness, as a moral virtue, centers on the person who did wrong to you. You can transcend your anger, for example, by trying to forget about the whole situation, or even by trying to forget about the one who acted unfairly. This is not forgiveness, which is a deliberate choice of being good to those who are not good to you. You can transcend your anger without deliberately trying to be good to the other person.
My friend feels that I’ve hurt her feelings by something that I said. I’m not on board. In other words, I have carefully examined the situation and I truly think that I said nothing egregious, nothing wrong, not even with my tone of voice. Now, she is requesting an apology. She’s threatening to permanently leave my life if I don’t agree. In spite of this conflict, I would rather that not occur. How should I proceed? I really don’t think that I should apologize, given I did no wrong, but should I still?
Choosing between friendship and the truth is a big decision. I advise you to select both. “I am sorry that you were hurt by what I said [then specify the issue],” is how I would honestly address the situation if I were in your shoes.
I’m assuming you wish, whatever it was she believes you did to her, didn’t hurt her. You would be acknowledging this. . You’re not expressing regret for a supposed injustice that you say you did not commit.
It is kind of like some people are on repeat. They keep proclaiming that to forgive is a sign of weakness. How would you respond to that?
Here is an excerpt from my book, The Forgiving Life, that addresses this question:
“Many people are hesitant, even afraid, to forgive because they fear that the other will take advantage of them. Forgiveness is for wimps, I have heard many times. Yet, is that true? Is the offer of goodness, true goodness, extended from a position of your own pain, ever done in weakness? How can one offer goodness through a position of pain and see it as weak? And see the giver of this goodness as weak? My point is this: We all may need to delve more deeply into what forgiveness is so that we can make the best decisions possible for ourselves, for our loved ones, and for the ones who hurt us.”
Excerpt from Chapter 3 of The Forgiving Life: A Pathway to Overcoming Resentment and Creating a Legacy of Love by Dr. Robert Enright.
