Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I think I have forgiven my partner for certain insensitive comments.  Yet, whenever this topic arises again, I find that I get angry all over again.  Does this mean I have not forgiven?

It depends on your level of anger when the situation is mentioned again.  Do you get very angry?  On a 1 to 10 scale, are you up near the 9 and 10 range, or is the anger more manageable, say, in the 3 or 4 range?  It is common to have some anger left over when we have forgiven, but that anger no longer controls us.  So, if you are in control of the anger and its intensity is not high, then yes, I do think that you have forgiven.

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What’s the difference between just letting out my anger and forgiving?

“Just letting out” your anger is known as catharsis. It can temporarily lead to some relief of the anger, but if this is your exclusive path for dealing with anger, you could, without realizing it is happening, make this letting-out a habit and this can intensify anger.  Forgiveness, in contrast, softens the anger as you reach out in mercy to the one(s) who hurt you.  Forgiveness offers a cure for the anger whereas catharsis does not.

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My friend recently told me that she approached her partner, telling him that she is forgiving him for her own sake, and not for his.  Is this true forgiveness?

It seems to me that your friend is using forgiveness in this case as a weapon against her partner.  Her statement to him is implying that she is concerned about herself as a person, not about him as a person.  True forgiveness acknowledges the personhood in the other person and offers compassion and kindness, which does not seem to be occurring in the scenario you describe.

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Might relaxation training work as well as forgiveness when we are angry with other people?

Relaxation training is good for reducing anger and stress, but it focuses mostly on the anger and stress as symptoms.  Relaxation, at least temporarily as you practice it, can reduce that anger and stress.  Yet, once you are no longer relaxing, the anger and stress can build up again.  Forgiveness, in contrast, does not focus on symptoms but instead focuses on the causes of the anger and stress, which, in the context of forgiveness, is a person and the person’s unjust actions.  Forgiving can cure the anger rather than address it temporarily.

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