Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
Joram Haber has a book in which he argues in a philosophical way that it is a moral good to wait for an apology prior to forgiving. He makes logically deductive arguments for this. So, again, I ask: Might withholding forgiving be a moral response?
Haber does argue as you say, but he does not address the critical issue of being able to help the other change for the better after you have forgiven. Without addressing this, I would say that his argument is incomplete because it eliminates a reasonable pathway to helping the other person.
Regarding my earlier question about getting an apology from the one who hurt me, isn’t it important that I wait for an apology for this other person’s sake? After all, if I forgive, he might think all is fine and not change.
You can help this person to become more fair with you whether you first forgive or not. Why can’t you seek justice from the other after you have forgiven? As you forgive, ask something of the other.
Do you think an apology is necessary before I can forgive?
If you must wait for an apology from the one who hurt you, then you are giving too much power to this person. Why retain resentment in your heart just because the person will not utter three words: “Please forgive me.” You are free to forgive when you are ready.
When I try to forgive my partner, and look into his past, I sometimes get angrier than before. I say to myself, “What am I doing!?” In other words, I still see the other’s behavior as unacceptable and this makes me angry. What do you suggest?
When you look toward the person’s past, do you slip into the error of excusing what the other did? If you see that you are trying to excuse, that could make you angrier. After all, past hurts are no excuse to hurt others. If you can resist excusing and from a position of truly calling the other’s behavior wrong, what happens in your emotions when you see a wounded person, a confused person, perhaps a person manipulated or mistreated in other ways by important people in his or her life? Does this stir in you a little compassion, as long as you resist the conclusion that he or she just couldn’t help it?
I have forgiven my ex-partner. She does not want to reconcile. I want to reconcile. So, I keep forgiving in the hope of reconciliation. Is it ok to forgive with my goal of a possible reconciliation?
Yes, you can offer overtures of forgiving from a distance, but please be careful that you do not use forgiving as a manipulation of the other’s feelings. When you forgive, try to make the motivation the other’s well-being. Try to forgive for the other and not for what you can get out of this. Respect the other’s decisions for now. In other words, as you forgive, you have the other’s best interest at heart and if she does not want to reconcile right now, part of your task is to accept this. Be open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but try also not to push too hard at that reconciliation.
