Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
My friend recently told me that she approached her partner, telling him that she is forgiving him for her own sake, and not for his. Is this true forgiveness?
It seems to me that your friend is using forgiveness in this case as a weapon against her partner. Her statement to him is implying that she is concerned about herself as a person, not about him as a person. True forgiveness acknowledges the personhood in the other person and offers compassion and kindness, which does not seem to be occurring in the scenario you describe.
The one who hurt me does not deserve my forgiveness. What do you think about this?
When you use the word “deserve,” you are focusing on justice. Forgiveness, in contrast, is a moral virtue centered on mercy. The one who hurt you may not “deserve” your forgiveness, but you certainly can have mercy on this person whenever you are ready.
Might relaxation training work as well as forgiveness when we are angry with other people?
Relaxation training is good for reducing anger and stress, but it focuses mostly on the anger and stress as symptoms. Relaxation, at least temporarily as you practice it, can reduce that anger and stress. Yet, once you are no longer relaxing, the anger and stress can build up again. Forgiveness, in contrast, does not focus on symptoms but instead focuses on the causes of the anger and stress, which, in the context of forgiveness, is a person and the person’s unjust actions. Forgiving can cure the anger rather than address it temporarily.
Can anger be healthy at times?
We can make a distinction between healthy and unhealthy anger. When we are first treated unjustly by others, there is a tendency to feel angry, which is a sign of self-respect (people should not be treating you this way) and a sign that you uphold moral standards of right and wrong. In contrast, unhealthy anger is the kind that takes up residence in the human heart, festers, grows more intense, and literally can last for years. This is unhealthy because it can lead to fatigue, discouragement, and mistrust for other relationships.
My friend was treated unjustly, but she is not open to the idea of forgiveness when I suggest it to her. What would you suggest?
I would start by gently asking your friend what her definition of forgiveness is. She may have some incorrect assumptions about what it is. For example, she might think that to forgive is to give into other people’s demands. If you can assist her in forming a clear understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, then this might help her in making a decision about whether or not forgiveness is right for her at this time.
