Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”

I have refused to forgive a good friend for betraying a secret. Now I am annoyed with myself for not forgiving her. What would you recommend in this complicated situation?

It seems that you are ready to forgive your friend based on what you are saying. So, starting this forgiveness journey toward her seems reasonable now. You also could then start to forgive yourself because, as you say, you are annoyed with yourself for not moving forward yet with forgiving her.

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Would you classify forgiveness as a skill or as a moral virtue?

There is more to forgiveness than a skill. A skill suggests expertise in action, such as shooting free throws accurately in basketball. Forgiveness is more nuanced than that. Its basic difference with a skill is this: Forgiveness is not just the execution of accuracy. Instead, it is a willed and rational focus on the good of the other. You understand this focus of goodness for others, you will it, you practice it (and here is where the idea of skill comes in), and you eventually can make it part of your identity, of who you are as a person.

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A friend of mine said that as she forgives, she is worried that it might lower her self-esteem because as she focuses on the one who was unjust, she will be reliving the pain and the put-downs from the other person. What do you think?

There is a paradox of forgiving in that as you reach out to others with forgiveness, offering a second chance as well as kindness and love, it is you, the giver, who heals. Scientific studies have demonstrated the validity of this paradox.

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It seems to me that forgiveness should not happen until the one who acted badly repents. We as forgivers then are showing concern for the other as we withhold the forgiving until this person changes behavior toward the good. So, unconditional forgiving, offering it prior to the other’s repentance is not the way to go. What do you think?

You can forgive and then support the person in repenting and changing behavior. There is no rule of human behavior that states that a person cannot repent once you initiate forgiveness toward that person.

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I have seen the criticism that forgiveness can be soft on crime. In other words, a forgiving heart might make people think that prisons are no longer needed, but it all comes down to compassion and rehabilitation. I think this is dangerous thinking because some people simply behave badly no matter how compassionately we respond to them.

This argument confuses forgiveness and legal pardon. A person can forgive and see that it is important that a person, who remains a danger to society, stays in a correctional institution.

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