Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I spent many months forgiving my boss from my previous employment. It was hard. I now have to start forgiving my romantic partner and I find it difficult. I have what is called “classical conditioning” in that as I start to forgive my partner, it brings up all kinds of feelings of pain from what I went through with my boss. Can you offer some advice so that I can move forward with forgiving my romantic partner?
As one point of encouragement, please keep in mind that you know the pathway of forgiving, you have walked it, and you have done so successfully. There are two sources of pain for you right now: a) your partner’s unjust behavior and b) the classical condition of pain from what you experienced when forgiving your boss. I urge you to try to do what we call “bear the pain” when the past emerges in your heart regarding your boss. Treat this as its own path of new pain for you. Try to stand in this pain, with a sense of triumph because of the past successful forgiving. Be gentle with yourself as you also willingly “bear the pain” from the injustices by your partner. Please keep in mind that as you willingly bear these two sources of pain, there is a tendency for the pain to slowly reduce and improve substantially, as based on our research on the process of forgiveness.
It seems to me that the forgiveness process could be harmful. Here is what I mean: When I focus on the one who hurt me, I get angry with him. I would rather just forget about the unjust event and forget about the person. What do you think?
In my experience, when people are deeply hurt by others, no matter how far they run from the offending person, that person remains in the victim’s heart. This can continue for many years. The idea of forgetting about the person can occur in the mind, with denial and subconscious suppression of that person, but that person remains in the heart, in the area of feelings, including resentment. In other words, no matter how hard one tries to erase the person, there he is inside the victim. It is in forgiving that you unlock that door to the heart and let the person out, at least all the bad and even hateful feelings toward him. In forgiving, you rewrite the script of who this person is. Instead of seeing him exclusively as bad, you take a wider view and eventually see the inherent worth in him as a person. This wider view can set you free from the stubborn resentment that just won’t quit.
Thank you for your recent response to me about my sister’s denial of her childhood experiences of abuse against her. In your answer, you mentioned this: “Forgiving those who caused the abuse can significantly reduce the anger so that it is more manageable.” Can you provide me with some research on this?
Yes, you can read some of our forgiveness intervention research on this website by going to the sub-menu on the right side of the page entitled Research. When you click on Research, you will be brought to some of our peer-reviewed published research discussing the reduction in resentment following forgiveness interventions with adults, adolescents, and children.
My sister was abused as a child, but she seems to have denied all memories of this. I can clearly recall some of this abuse and so it is real. Even so, she keeps all of this hidden from herself in her subconscious mind. How can a person release the truth of past trauma?
Your sister might think that there is no true help or cure when unconscious memories are brought to consciousness. If she sees that there is a safety net for her, which is forgiveness, then she may be able to loosen up on this defense of repression or suppression. Sometimes people are fearful of their own anger because they think it will overwhelm them with no cure. Forgiving those who caused the abuse can significantly reduce the anger so that it is more manageable.
How can I confront with forgiveness the systemic injustices carried out by institutions rather than by a singular individual?
Institutions are made up of persons and it is the persons in the institutions who make decisions, even unjust decisions. So, when you forgive institutions, you are forgiving the people who have made these decisions within the institution. This can get rather abstract because you likely do not know the people who have made these decisions. Just because it is more abstract than forgiving a friend, forgiveness is possible. As an analogy, if a person is robbed by a masked individual, the one who is robbed can forgive the one who robs even though this person is unknown to the victim. It is similar to institutions. You can forgive the persons without knowing them.
