Tagged: “forgive”

I am wondering about the idea that forgiveness involves, as you say, “giving a gift” to the one who was unfair.  I can imagine, in some cases, that this could backfire, with the other person rejecting the gift and even being critical of it.  What do you think?

Yes, the one who decides to give a gift to the other is taking a risk.  Usually, the other is grateful for it, but at times the scenario can unfold as you describe in your question.  When that happens, it can catch the gift-giver off guard.  This, then, can be another occasion for forgiving to take place.  If the forgiver has good reason to fear backlash from the gift-giving, it can be given indirectly, such as donating money to charity in the other’s name without announcing it.

What is the clue that people in a romantic relationship truly have forgiven each other?  My concern is residual anger that could chip away at the relationship.

If each person is now concerned about the other’s welfare and shows it, then it seems to me that both have forgiven.  If there is residual anger, the other is going to see this because the anger will be coming at this other person.  When this happens, it is a good idea to first forgive, even for this new expression of anger, and then to gently ask the other for a change in this kind of communication that includes some anger.  Because both have made progress in forgiving, I suspect that such feedback will be taken seriously by the one showing the anger.

When Can Forgiveness Be Harmful to Emotional Healing?: Another Encounter with Artificial Intelligence

Pexels.com, Photo by Ron Lach

Over the past couple of years, the process of forgiveness has been criticized, and I have labeled this criticism as unnecessary or error-filled.  For example, I published a blog on this site on August 21, 2024, entitled “The Summer of 2024 Now Has Seen Three Published Criticisms of Forgiveness” (https://internationalforgiveness.com/2024/08/21/the-summer-of-2024-now-has-seen-three-published-criticisms-of-forgiveness/).

Those criticisms made me curious.  What will Artificial Intelligence say if I ask the question in this blog’s title?  So, I went ahead and asked.  Sure enough, I received an answer.  Here are the points made by Artificial Intelligence and my rebuttal.  Please see what you think as we examine four criticisms of forgiveness in the healing process.

1. When forgiving is forced onto someone, it can lead to a superficial forgiveness that short-circuits the emotional healing process.  I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  I also wholeheartedly disagree that we are talking about genuine forgiveness here.  Instead, we are talking about a false form of it.  There is a vast difference between a free-will choice to forgive, with sufficient time to examine the emotional effects of being treated unjustly, and this rushed form of it.  In this court of law, my client, forgiveness, is being confused with an impostor.

2. Forgiveness is harmful when the person’s safety is not restored.  I agree that it is important to work on justice for the mistreated person, and this is the quest for justice.  To claim that forgiveness itself can be responsible for a lack of safety is to think in “either/or” terms: Either we forgive or we seek justice, but we do not pursue both.  As far back as Aristotle in ancient Greece, we are exhorted to practice the moral virtues, not in isolation, but together.  In other words, when we forgive, let us bring the call to justice along with it.  Forgiveness does not invalidate justice, but encourages it.  Therefore, this idea that forgiveness is harmful is false.  The error lies in treating forgiveness as an isolated process, which is incorrect.

3.  Forgiveness is seen as harmful when it ignores the forgiver’s values or what is important to the person.  In other words, the one who forgives supposedly distorts the seriousness of the injustice by simply letting it go.  No, this is not what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not excuse the injustice.  What happened was wrong, is wrong, and will continue to be wrong.  The new stance is toward the person, not the situation, causing the pain from the injustice.  Thus, the forgiver’s values are not ignored.  Sometimes forgiveness can actually put forgivers’ values into even sharper focus by allowing them to see clearly and acknowledge what happened.  Further, forgiveness not only leaves forgivers with insights about the unfairness but also with a scientifically supported approach to healing from the effects of what happened.

4.  Finally, forgiveness is seen as harmful when others “weaponize” forgiveness, pressuring the injured person to be quiet, stop complaining, and let others live a comfortable life without hearing about the forgiver’s pain.  Once again, this is not the fault of forgiveness itself, but of onlookers who fail to respect the forgiver and the healing process that is necessary when forgiveness is willingly chosen.

In summary, if you ever ask AI if forgiveness can be harmful, you likely will get a “yes” answer, possibly with the four ideas above and maybe even some new ones.  Please keep in mind that AI can give false information.  In each case above, the false information concerned false forgiveness, not the genuine essence of what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes in the hearts and relationships of those who choose to forgive accurately.

I currently am taking a college class on forgiveness that lasts a semester.  Do you think I will be able to master the fine art of forgiveness by then?

It depends on how deeply others hurt you.  Deep hurts can take time and should not be rushed.  Within a semester, you should be able to make good progress in forgiving.  Please keep in mind that we are all imperfect forgivers, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his 1984 book Forgive and Forget.  Even if you still have some residual anger left over at the end of the semester, you can continue working on the process of forgiving once the semester ends.  Also, please keep in mind that having some residual anger left over does not mean you have not forgiven.  As long as the anger is not controlling you, you likely will have forgiven if you wish the other well, see this person’s humanity, and show mercy to the extent this person will let you interact.

Is it selfish for me to forgive for my own benefit?

Forgiveness itself is the free-will decision to be good to those who have been unfair.  This is exercising the moral virtues of mercy (giving more than what is deserved in justice) and, at its highest level, agape love (trying to do good to the other even when it is painful to do so).  Therefore, these qualities, offered to someone who hurt you, are anything but selfish.  We have to distinguish here what forgiveness is and some of the motivations for forgiving.  If you need emotional relief, it certainly is acceptable to begin the forgiveness process with this motivation.  At the same time, as you start to forgive genuinely, you are reaching out in mercy to that other person, which is for that person rather than for you.  So, to have a motivation of self-protection is not selfish.