Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”

During your forgiveness interviews with children and adults, what has surprised you the most?

I would say that my biggest surprise is that many people (even the vast majority) do not have an accurate understanding of what forgiveness is. Too many adults, for example, equate forgiving with “just moving on,” which is not what forgiveness, as a moral virtue of goodness toward those who have offended, actually is.  This points to the need for forgiveness education for children, adolescents, and adults.

Of the things children are taught about forgiveness, what do you find to be something to avoid? 

Perhaps the most important issue is to be careful not to subtly set up the expectation that they **must** forgive.  This does not help them be drawn to forgiveness.

Anger is a normal reaction to injustice, right? Do we repress some anger when we forgive?

Anger does seem to be a natural part of reacting to injustice. We need to remember that anger can be felt and expressed along a continuum. If the anger is short-lived and not extremely intense, then it can be useful in energizing a person who then strives to correct the injustice. When anger becomes extreme, both in its duration and intensity, forgiveness can be an effective way to control it. Forgiveness exercised in the right way (by not denying the injustice and not denying the angry reaction) can actually reduce the anger. When this happens, the anger is not repressed but instead is diminished.

It appears that my mother has a lot of guilt. Now she constantly asks me to forgive her for the way she raised me as a child. Actually, this is not a huge concern for me because she did well as my mom. So, even though I don’t believe she did anything wrong, should I tell her that I forgive her?

Your mother seems to need your reassurance that you love her and that she is a good person. Her standards for herself are higher than yours in judging her parenting skills. If it were me, I would say something like this: “When people forgive others, they see the others as worthwhile and of great value. Mom, you are of great worth and of infinite value to me. When people forgive others, they love them. Mom, I love you without condition. Now that I have shown the attributes of forgiveness to you, may I make a suggestion? I think you should forgive yourself for anything you think you might have done that still makes you feel guilty. I want you to have peace regarding how you raised me. I think you did a wonderful job of that.”

There are moments when I simply don’t want to forgive. When I feel so indifferent about forgiving, what do you recommend?

Forgiveness includes our feelings, but it includes so much more. As a moral virtue, it has the characteristics that all the other moral virtues (such as justice, patience, and kindness) include: one’s will to engage in the virtue, one’s thoughts, and how one behaves.

When your feelings are indifferent, please focus on your will to forgive. Your free-will motivation usually is stronger than your feelings. Also, try to focus on your thoughts (“I forgive Person A for…..”). Try to cultivate thoughts of the inherent worth of the other person, seeing this person as worthwhile, not because of what was done to you, but in spite of this. Finally, try to behave in a forgiving way even if you do not feel like it. A smile or a kind word to the person is a step toward forgiveness.