Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”

I am angry at my partner, but the anger is not deep.  I am more annoyed than really bothered.  If I had to put a number on my anger from 1 to 10, I would give it a 3.  Do you think I need to forgive, given that my anger is not intense?

There are different reasons to forgive.  You could forgive for your own emotional well-being.  You could forgive, on a higher moral level, for the good of the other and the good of the relationship.  It does not appear that you need to forgive for your own emotional well-being, given how low your anger is.  Therefore, you still can forgive so that the other feels better, so that you communicate better together, and so that your relationship becomes stronger.

Please follow and like us:

The Dark Side of Saying that Self-Forgiveness Has a Dark Side

A recent study by Peetz, Davydenko, and Wohl (2021) concludes that there is a “dark side” to self-forgiveness.  They, in fact, use this term three different times in the journal article.  The point of this blog is to challenge their view and to show that the statement is an over-reaction to their data.

Here is what they did in the study: They asked people who were entering a grocery store to fill out a self-forgiveness scale specifically regarding over-spending in the past and a scale that assesses beliefs about whether people can change their abilities or not.  For the latter variable, the researchers were interested, for example, in whether participants believed they could or could not change their spending habits if they overspent.

Can you forgive yourself for overspending then change your habits, or do you live on what the authors of a recent study called the “dark side” of self-forgiveness?

Those who believe that people, including themselves, can change unwanted habits are called incrementalists.  This issue of incrementalism is important in this research because the authors were hypothesizing that if people think that they cannot change their behavior of over-spending (they are not incrementalists), then they likely will be more cautious in how they spend relative to the incrementalists who might take the cavalier attitude that “I can always change bad behavior.”

So, the expectation in the research was this: Those who over-spent in the past and who now have forgiven themselves, and who think they can change, will have problematic spending on this new shopping venture.  This is what the authors called—three times—the “dark side” of self-forgiveness.

So, then, what did they find?  In Study 1, with over 100 participants, the statistical results were not significant.  The findings approached significance in that those who forgave themselves and who are incrementalists (believing that they can change and so over-spending should not be that big of a deal) tended to spend more, but again it was not statistically significant.

In Study 2, they did a larger study with over 200 participants and found the exact same thing.  There was no statistical significance for self-forgivers, who are incrementalists, to over-spend.

Upon their third try, they looked at spending relative to what was the pre-determined budget prior to shopping.  Here they did find that those who self-forgave for over-spending in the past and who were incrementalists (thinking they could change and so the over-spending probably is not a big deal) did spend more than those who kept themselves in check because they were not incrementalists (in other words, they did not trust themselves to change spending habits as much as people with the incremental beliefs that they could change).

Yet, here is the bottom-line critique of this work: The authors never assessed: 1) whether or not the participants who spent more than they had planned had way-overdone the spending; 2) whether or not the spending was harmful to their budget or to the family’s budget; and 3) whether or not any true economic injustice was done by the purchase.

Statistical failures on two out of three attempts didn’t sway the authors from proclaiming success.

The average reported total amount spent by participants in Study 2 was $74.06.  For the majority of people, this hardly would destroy the family finances.  In other words, was this kind of spending harmful?  Self-forgiveness takes place in the context of harm, of unjust treatment, often toward others, and is seen by the self-forgiver as unjust.  Was this kind of spending in this study unjust?  The authors did not ask the participants if they thought this was the case.

So, in the final analysis, we see that in one of three statistical tries, participants, who formerly have self-forgiven for over-spending and who think they can change their behavior, spend perhaps a little more than those who think they cannot change.  How big is this difference and how serious is it for the family?  Given the statistical failure in two out of three tries and given the small sum spent on the average ($74.06), it seems to me that calling this a “dark side” of self-forgiveness is not warranted, at least for now.  Do you see how there is a “dark side” to exaggerating conclusions about the dark side of forgiveness?

Robert

Peetz, J., Davydenko, M., & Wohl, M. J. A. (2021). The cost of self-forgiveness: Incremental theorists 
spend more money after forgiving the self for past overspending. Personality and Individual Differences, 179, 110902.
Please follow and like us:

Checking in Again on Your Unfolding Love Story

For over 10 years on this site, we have posted a reflection in which we encourage readers to grow in love as their legacy of the present year. We have said this across the years:

“Give love away as your legacy of 2022.

How can you start? I recommend starting by looking backward at one incident of 2021. Please think of one incident with one person in which you were loved unconditionally, perhaps even surprised by a partner or a parent or a caring colleague. Think of your reaction when you felt love coming from the other and you felt love in your heart and the other saw it in your eyes. What was said? How were you affirmed for who you are, not necessarily for something you did? What was the other’s heart like, and yours?”

It is now about four months later. Can you list some specific, concrete ways in which you have chosen love over indifference? Love over annoyance? If so, what are those specifics and how are they loving? We ask because we have only about eight months left to 2022. Have you engaged in about a third of all the loving responses that you will leave in this world this year?

If you have not yet deliberately left love (or enough love) in the world this year, there is time. . . . . and the clock is ticking.

Robert

Please follow and like us:

I have a concern about forgiveness.  As you know, there is a new political movement of giving oppressed people their due.  For example, a school district in the United States had a ceremony with indigenous people, acknowledging that the school actually is on land that was taken from this oppressed group.  If forgiveness is injected into this movement, I fear that the indigenous people will once again be persecuted as they give in to the oppression, gaining nothing.

I think you are misunderstanding what forgiveness is and what it is not.  To forgive is not to excuse or to condone injustices.  Instead, forgiveness is goodness offered to those who have not been good to the forgiver.  This moral virtue can exist side-by-side with the quest for justice.  In fact, forgiving, when people choose to do so, can rid the heart of resentment that can deeply compromise the well-being of individuals, families, and communities.

Please follow and like us:

I am doing research on forgiveness as an idea in the heart of humanity.  In your own studies, what do you see as the earliest, ancient work that describes person-to-person forgiveness?

The oldest account of person-to-person forgiving that I have found is in the Hebrew Scriptures, in Genesis 37-45 in which Joseph forgives his 10 half-brothers for attempted murder and then selling him into slavery in Egypt.  Joseph ends up unconditionally forgiving them and providing provisions for the Hebrew nation that was suffering from famine.

Please follow and like us: