Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”

I have an insight, and I wonder what you think about it. We have a family member who is quite alienated from the rest of our family. This is the case because he is rather rude and hurtful to others. I am wondering whether he needs to forgive himself first, because my conjecture is that he doesn’t like himself. If he forgives himself first, do you think he might stop the rudeness?

Actually, it may be the case that he was hurt at some time in the past by others, and so he now is displacing his anger and discontent onto others. If this is the case, he first may need to forgive those who hurt him in the past. After that is accomplished, he then could work on self-forgiveness and seek forgiveness from the family members he hurt by his actions. I find that self-forgiveness can be a more challenging process than forgiving others because we tend to be harder on ourselves than on others. So, forgiving others from his past may help him to become more familiar with the forgiveness process, making it easier for him to forgive himself.

If I engage in the Process Model of forgiveness, is it okay to go back to an earlier unit if I think I need more work on it?  For example, I began to have compassion on the one who hurt me, and so I went on to “standing in the pain.” After a while, my compassion began to wane.  I think I should go back to that before moving ahead. What do you think?

The process of forgiveness is not a straight line, as you are implying by your question.  So yes, it is very reasonable to go back after having dealt with any one of the units in the Process Model. I would recommend, in your case, that you go back to the earlier unit before compassion and begin to think about who the person is who offended you. Such cognitive exercises tend to spark even a little compassion in the forgiver.

Should I forgive myself when falsely accused?  My partner got really upset when the clothes dryer stopped working, and he needed a shirt that was in there.  Of course, I am not responsible for a machine’s mechanical failure, but I received some intense emotion from him.  Under such a circumstance, should I engage in self-forgiveness?

I am glad you asked this question so you can avoid unnecessary self-criticism. When we self-forgive, it is in the context of our knowing we were unjust in some way. You were not unjust when the dryer stopped working. If you started on the path of self-forgiveness, you would be falsely accusing yourself of wrongdoing. Therefore, stand in the truth that you did nothing wrong. Instead of self-forgiveness, you might consider forgiving your partner for getting “really upset” with you.

I want to introduce forgiveness education to my school.  What is one reference you would suggest that I share with my principal?

I would recommend the open-access journal article by Rapp and colleagues. They examined forgiveness education programs worldwide with the conclusion that most of them help the students to forgive those who have hurt them and to reduce their anger in general, not just toward the person who was unfair.  The reference to this work is this:

Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development, 93, 1249-1269. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13771

I have fibromyalgia. I heard that you have a journal article stating that a forgiveness intervention can help with those symptoms.  Would you please share the reference to that article with me?

Yes, we have this study, with a particular focus on women who were abused in childhood and now have fibromyalgia symptons.  The study helped to reduce the symptoms.  Here is that reference:

Lee, Y-R & Enright, R.D. (2014) A forgiveness intervention for women with fibromyalgia who were abused in childhood: A pilot study. Spirituality in Clinical Practice, 1, 203-217. doi: 10.1037/scp0000025.