Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
In your experience, how will forgiving affect trust later on? For example, I was hurt in a past relationship, and now I am hesitant to enter into a new one. My trust is damaged.
Trust basically centers on reconciliation rather than on forgiveness. As people forgive, they tend to be more open to reconciliation, particularly when the other person is acting more fairly. A key issue about forgiveness and trust is this: If someone else is mean to you in a relationship, you now know how to forgive and so protect yourself from excessive anger. So, even if you feel that any new relationship might be a risk, you know that pathway to healing from the pains of conflict and separation: forgiveness. In other words, you have a powerful antidote to a breakup, and so, if and when you are ready, you could slowly try another relationship, knowing you have a cure for the pain of resentment if that relationship fails.
I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years. I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain. Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before. As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others. Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think?
Your being sensitive to other people need not lead to the conclusion that you are now weak. You do not seem to hesitate in speaking up out of fear, but out of insight—-knowledge that the one who is annoying is acting out of internalized pain. Please keep in mind that, as you see the other person’s pain, you still can move ahead with the moral virtue of justice and ask something of others. With your forgiving heart, the way you ask for justice now may be different, more gentle and patient than before, because you are realizing that you are addressing a hurting person.
Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me?
We did find in one instance that some people in Asia would prefer to have an apology from the one who acted unjustly. This quest for an apology was stronger in Asia than in the United States. This seems to be based on an emphasis on social harmony and what is called “saving face.” In the United States, the apology is less emphasized if the forgiver can obtain internal emotional relief from the act of forgiving, whether or not an apology is given. In our experience, there is no difference in the understanding of what forgiveness is and is not. We have not found a difference in the degree to which people in Asia or the United States forgive following a forgiveness intervention, or in the outcomes of well-being.
Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else? Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father. I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.” Is this appropriate or not?
If your father has been unfair to you, then you can forgive him. If you have seen unjust behavior by your father toward your brother and this has upset you, you can forgive your father for the indirect pain he has caused you. You cannot forgive “on behalf of” your brother because that is his call, when he is ready. You certainly can talk with your brother about forgiveness, making sure he understands what it is and what it is not. See if he truly understands what forgiveness is, and then see if he is ready to forgive your father. Try to avoid pressuring him into forgiving. It is better if he is drawn to it and forgives from his own free will.
I am a Christian who has had a rocky time with my grandmother, who passed away recently. I think I have completed all of the processes of forgiveness and can honestly say that I have forgiven her. There is one thing I have not found in your books, and it is this: Can you help me understand how I might practice reconciliation with her now that she is no longer on this earth?
As a Christian, you believe in the afterlife. Therefore, God willing, you very well may meet your grandmother again in the afterlife. You can begin now by thinking through what you likely will say to her and how you will behave toward her. With a forgiving heart, the way you likely will relate to her will be positive and fulfilling for both of you.
