Tagged: “forgiveness”
Thank for your answer to my previous question about self-forgiveness. I still am having a problem with self-forgiveness. It is this: How can I genuinely decide whether I have wronged myself, given that I am now the defendant (I did wrong) and the judge of my own conduct? In a court of law, the defendant and the judge differ. In the case of self-forgiveness, aren’t I taking on both roles?
No, you are not taking on both roles of defendant and judge when you forgive yourself. Why? It is because when you self-forgive, you are not doing so in a court of law. Instead, you are deciding, through your own conscience, that you did wrong and you are welcoming yourself back into the human community, just as you do when you forgive others who have hurt you. The courtroom analogy for self-forgiveness is a false analogy.
In your experience, what is one big stumbling block to self-forgiveness?
I have found that some people reach the incorrect conclusion that self-forgiveness is impossible because they cannot forgive their own sins. Yet, when you self-forgive, you are not forgiving your sins. Instead, you are striving to rekindle a sense of your own self-worth, having compassion on yourself for what you did. It is similar to forgiving other people. You do not forgive their sins when you forgive, but instead are responding to them with mercy, as worthwhile people in spite of the unjust behavior.
How am I to balance forgiving and setting healthy boundaries with my boss? He is too demanding, but I need to keep my job.
I recommend that you first practice forgiveness so that your anger lessens. With quieter emotions, you then should consider approaching your boss about the theme of mutual respect. Please keep in mind that the boss might be offended at first, but over time, with gentle perseverance on your part, you may help your boss understand the harshness and communicate more respectfully. If the boss still does not “get it,” you should consider continuing to forgive him.
If forgiveness is a journey, what are some indications that it is occurring successfully?
I would say that there are at least three indications. First, do you have a deep understanding of what forgiving actually is? Do you see it as a moral virtue in which you willingly offer mercy to the offending person without excusing the unjust behavior or tossing aside the quest for justice? Second, as the late Lewis Smedes said in his book, Forgive and Forget, you know you are forgiving when you wish the other person well. Third, are you starting to like the moral virtue of forgiveness so that you see its value, and thus you want to keep forgiveness as part of who you are?
What would you say to a person who fears forgiving because it may make him look weak?
I would say this: Is standing up to the pain without passing it to the offending person or to others a sign of weakness? Is having mercy on those who have not had mercy on you showing weakness or strength? Is striving for both mercy and fairness together a sign of weakness or strength? As a person tries for forgiveness and justice, that person is not giving in to others’ unfairness.
