Tagged: “forgiveness”

I find it difficult to empathize with people if I can’t see them, engage with them, or feel their suffering. So how can I truly forgive someone who isn’t currently in my life?

I suggest that you begin with thinking activities.  In my book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, I discuss adopting a broader perspective on the people you wish to forgive. These viewpoints—personal, global, and cosmic—help you see others as vulnerable and possibly in pain, which can increase your empathy for them.

Even though my sister was cruel to me, I still feel good about her. Does this mean that I have completed the forgiveness process? To put it another way, is forgiveness just about having positive feelings, or is there more involved?

The process of forgiving someone does not conclude with positive emotions alone. Positive emotions can be passive in and of themselves, if you think about it. For instance, you sit on the couch and feel good about your sister, but you never approach her in a pleasant way. Forgiveness is a moral attribute that encompasses thinking, feeling, and acting (reasonably) toward the person who has wronged you. Reconciliation with the other person is possible when you provide forgiveness. Being receptive to reconciliation does not mean that people will automatically reunite. For reconciliation to truly take place, the other person must behave in a civil manner and not continually be hurtful.

I want to face the person who wronged me after I’ve forgiven. I feel that my forgiveness is lacking if I avoid confrontation. It is insufficient to simply think, feel, and even act in a positive way. For me to forgive, the other must change. Do you concur?

I concur that, if a sincere, trustworthy reconciliation is to be achieved, the other person should change. If the primary objective is to exercise the moral virtue of forgiveness, then I disagree. I take it from your comment that you want justice, which is admirable. However, forgiveness and justice are not synonymous. Recognize that confronting someone is a way to pursue justice. In order to avoid an unpleasant encounter, I advise forgiving before pursuing justice. Better justice-seeking and justice-outcomes can arise from doing justice after forgiveness.

Insights on Forgiveness & Childhood Trauma

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In a comprehensive literature review, a group of researchers found that forgiving others for adverse childhood experiences can be difficult.  Yet, they conclude in their Abstract, “…..forgiveness of specific perpetrators was associated with better outcomes across studies, though survivors with severe abuse histories typically reported greater difficulty with forgiving. Studies revealed harmful effects when survivors felt pressured to forgive, or not to forgive.”

The reference to this work is:

Kanter, R. L., & Wortham, J. S. (2026). Forgiveness and Adverse Childhood Experiences: A Scoping Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380251410088

I have forgiven my mom, but she refuses to see any wrong that she has done. I’m now an adult living away from home. Although my brother and I bear scars from her carelessness when we were growing up, she denies any neglect. My brother and I have given this matter a lot of thought, and we both feel that it is unfair. How can we show this to my mom?

Your mother appears to be denying what actually occurred. It can be challenging to alter such a psychological defensive mechanism. This can take some time for your mom. The denial may lessen if she sees your love and support without conditions. Try, in the spirit of forgiveness, to gently bring up one specific instance of neglect when she witnesses and feels your unconditional love. Together, the tangible referent and the unconditional love could help your mother overcome her denial and become receptive to your forgiveness.