Tagged: “forgiveness”
From my experience, many people struggle with the idea of forgiving, even when they want inner peace. I am wondering why you think this is so.
Many people actually do not understand forgiveness in its depth. In other words, they presume that they know what it is, but confuse it with “just moving on” or with reconciling with the one who was unfair. “Moving on” by itself can be very difficult, and therefore, if forgiveness is confused with this, a person may think it is just not worth the effort. Reconciliation with a person who continues with abuse can be dangerous, and therefore, a person thinks that forgiveness is dangerous. Even when people understand forgiveness correctly, they are aware that it can be stressful to offer mercy to those who have not been merciful to the forgiver. In this latter case, I point out that the pain associated with forgiving is temporary. In contrast, living with resentment can last a lifetime. That kind of pain needs to be confronted and cured. Forgiveness is the antidote to that kind of enduring pain.
Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive
Dr. Robert Enright
Given the recent criticism of forgiveness, Robert Enright recently published an essay on the Psychology Today website titled “Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive.”
It can be found here:
Protecting Yourself if You Want to Forgive, February 19, 2026
I know you distinguish between forgiving and reconciling. Yet, I still have a fear that if I forgive my ex-boyfriend, who was quite abusive, then I might be tempted to give it another try, which I do not want to do. What would you suggest to me in this frustrating situation?
You need to be strong in your thinking about what reconciliation actually is. You would need trust that he has remorse (inner sorrow), repentance (the sincere proclamation of that sorrow), and recompense (making up, as best he can, for the abusive behavior). You can forgive from the heart and be rid of the resentment, which could be more damaging to you than to him if you keep hatred in your heart. As you forgive, guard against a hasty reconciliation, which may not come if he remains abusive.
My father’s boss was deeply unfair to him at work. He hasn’t forgiven. I think he is having a hard time starting the forgiveness process. I, too, currently am finding it difficult to forgive his boss, but I am ready to give it a try. Should I wait until my father forgives before I start the forgiveness process?
Forgiving someone who has harmed a family member is totally acceptable if you also have been harmed by that behavior. You can extend forgiveness whenever you’re ready. Therefore, you don’t have to wait for your father to forgive first. You might demonstrate to your father that forgiveness is possible by forgiving his boss.
Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory Available Soon!
Photo by Ann H, Pexels.com
A new forgiveness measure has been validated and soon will be on this website, free of charge for those who ask for a copy of it. The scale is called the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI). It assesses people’s reasons for forgiving. As examples, is the person primarily forgiving to heal from emotional challenges? Is the person forgiving to help the one who was unfair to improve behavior? The reference to the journal article on the validation of this scale is this:
Li, Y., Kim, J., Song, J., & Enright, R.D. (in press). Validating the Enright Forgiveness Motivation Inventory (EFMI). Current Psychology
