Tagged: “forgiveness”

Forgiveness involves change, but I find change to be scary.  I don’t understand my own situation, that change is scary for me.  What insights can you provide for me as I walk the path of forgiveness……and find it somewhat fearful?

For some people, keeping the status quo is comforting because it is predictable.  Change, in contrast, is not necessarily predictable.  We are not sure what our own inner world will be like if and when we forgive.  We are not sure what our relationship will be like with the one who is forgiven.  Yet, if you cultivate hope along with forgiveness, you then are likely to conclude this: Yes, I will change as I forgive, and that change is likely to be positive.  You can even lean on the scientific findings of people who have been treated deeply unjustly and have forgiven.  The science shows that the people end up with better mental health than before they started to walk the pathway of forgiving.  Let the science give you confidence that you can have hope for yourself in a positive way when you forgive.  Forgiveness also gives those who hurt us a new chance for a better relationship.  The future quality of that relationship is not only up to you but also up to the other to change for the better.

How do I stay committed to the forgiveness journey when I still have anger?

Anger can endure for a long time even when we forgive.  Yet, as we engage in forgiveness, the anger can lessen.  As one person so wisely explained to me,” I still have some anger toward the one who hurt me.  Yet, now I am in control of my anger.  In the past, my anger controlled me.”  Try to see even small changes in your anger.  Even if it goes down only a little, this is a big victory.  This knowledge can be an encouragement to keep going with the forgiveness process.  Also, cultivate hope or confidence that you will be better off three months from now regarding your anger, which likely will continue to lessen as you practice forgiveness.

How does forgiveness differ from tolerance?

When we tolerate, we exercise patience so that we do not respond negatively to others who might be annoying us with insensitive behavior or disagreeing with us on an important topic.  While this is good because it prevents anger from spilling over to the other, it does not go as far as forgiveness, which on its highest level is to reach out in love toward those who have been unjust to us.  Patience and love are important, but love is far more challenging and probably far more life-giving for both people than patience alone.

Is it all right for me to forgive with the primary intention of feeling better?  With this self-centeredness hinder my forgiving in the future?

There is a difference between being self-centered and being selfish.  If you hurt your knee while running, is it selfish to seek medical help? I don’t think so. It is self-care to go to the sports medicine clinic for treatment.  I want you to see that self-care is not the same as selfishness.  As a further point, your motivation (why you want to forgive) is different from what forgiveness itself is.  You can begin the forgiveness process for self-care.  Yet, the forgiveness process itself challenges you to be good to the person who was unfair to you.  In other words, forgiveness itself is other-centered, even when the motivation is self-care.

We have one family member who is way too challenging, and everyone is mad at him.  I have forgiven him and have stated that to the other family members.  Now I have a new problem.  My other family members are upset with me because I have forgiven. “How can you do this, given what he has done?” is a typical statement directed at me.  I wonder what you think about this and how I should respond.

In my experience, if a person has a particular attitude about forgiveness, then this person can get upset when others have a different attitude.  This can include people getting upset at forgivers or, in contrast, getting upset at those who will not forgive.  In your case, others do not want to forgive, and you do.  Therefore, there is conflict.  It could be the reverse in other circumstances.  For example, if you would not forgive and everyone else would, then they might be upset with you for withholding your forgiveness.

We need to work on being tolerant and patient with family members who disagree with us about forgiveness attitudes and decisions. Because forgiveness is each person’s choice, it is up to each person whether or not forgiveness will be offered now. This is one of the keys to understanding what forgiveness is and how we deal with forgiving.  Yes, you can gently suggest forgiveness to others, but you have to be careful not to be overbearing because a “no” to forgiveness today does not mean that this will still be the case, for example, in three months.

I recommend that you show this response to your family members. Let them see how typical it is for people to want everyone else to agree with them.  Let them see that, because of each person’s free will, it is important not to pressure others to hold our own view.

As a final point, if people continue to be negative toward you for your forgiving, I recommend that you work on forgiving all who have been unkind to you about this.