Tagged: “forgiveness”
What would you suggest to me about my worldview that I want to change. I basically have been duped into taking a strict materialist or neurobiological view of the world. This emerged from some of my reading. Here is what I mean: Some kept saying that we are what our neurons are. We are what our brainwaves are. That’s all we are. Now I see that this is nonsense because it has the hidden assumption that we are all robots. OK, it’s your turn. How would you respond to this, given your studies of forgiveness?
If we are nothing but robots wired to respond without our thinking, without our desires, then we never can truly forgive. Forgiveness assumes that people can choose to act unjustly. We assume that injustice is bad because the person had a choice to behave differently, more fairly. We assume that each person has free will, and this can and should be applied in such a way as to better other people and to better ourselves. What do you think?
In your experience, how will forgiving affect trust later on? For example, I was hurt in a past relationship, and now I am hesitant to enter into a new one. My trust is damaged.
Trust basically centers on reconciliation rather than on forgiveness. As people forgive, they tend to be more open to reconciliation, particularly when the other person is acting more fairly. A key issue about forgiveness and trust is this: If someone else is mean to you in a relationship, you now know how to forgive and so protect yourself from excessive anger. So, even if you feel that any new relationship might be a risk, you know that pathway to healing from the pains of conflict and separation: forgiveness. In other words, you have a powerful antidote to a breakup, and so, if and when you are ready, you could slowly try another relationship, knowing you have a cure for the pain of resentment if that relationship fails.
I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years. I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain. Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before. As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others. Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think?
Your being sensitive to other people need not lead to the conclusion that you are now weak. You do not seem to hesitate in speaking up out of fear, but out of insight—-knowledge that the one who is annoying is acting out of internalized pain. Please keep in mind that, as you see the other person’s pain, you still can move ahead with the moral virtue of justice and ask something of others. With your forgiving heart, the way you ask for justice now may be different, more gentle and patient than before, because you are realizing that you are addressing a hurting person.
Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me?
We did find in one instance that some people in Asia would prefer to have an apology from the one who acted unjustly. This quest for an apology was stronger in Asia than in the United States. This seems to be based on an emphasis on social harmony and what is called “saving face.” In the United States, the apology is less emphasized if the forgiver can obtain internal emotional relief from the act of forgiving, whether or not an apology is given. In our experience, there is no difference in the understanding of what forgiveness is and is not. We have not found a difference in the degree to which people in Asia or the United States forgive following a forgiveness intervention, or in the outcomes of well-being.
Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else? Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father. I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.” Is this appropriate or not?
If your father has been unfair to you, then you can forgive him. If you have seen unjust behavior by your father toward your brother and this has upset you, you can forgive your father for the indirect pain he has caused you. You cannot forgive “on behalf of” your brother because that is his call, when he is ready. You certainly can talk with your brother about forgiveness, making sure he understands what it is and what it is not. See if he truly understands what forgiveness is, and then see if he is ready to forgive your father. Try to avoid pressuring him into forgiving. It is better if he is drawn to it and forgives from his own free will.
