Tagged: “forgiveness”

Is There Ever an Obligation to Forgive?

Mikhail Nilov , Pexels.com

So often people exhort others not to force others to forgive.  The current advice so often seen in print is this: Forgiveness is the choice of the forgiver, not the demand of the one who acted unjustly.  Yet an article published in Acta Analytica on February 10, 2026, by Sam Ridge, entitled “The Right to Forgiveness,” challenges the current norms.  He makes the interesting claim that if a person promises to forgive, then this becomes an expectation.  As an analogy, if Harold promises to mow a neighbor’s lawn by Saturday and then does not follow through, there remains an expectation that the lawn will be mowed by Harold.  It is similar with forgiveness.  For example, if a father asks his daughter, “Why were you out so late last night?  It is ok to tell me.  If I do not like your answer, I will forgive you.”  The promise creates the expectation that it will be kept.  The challenge, then, is this: Forgiveness is not solely in the hands of the forgiver; it can become an obligation to the other person if a promise is attached to the forgiving.

The article can be read here:

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12136-026-00676-4

I want to learn more about this agape love you mentioned in your earlier answer about finding meaning in suffering through forgiveness.  If I wanted to learn more about agape love, could you recommend a couple of readings on the topic?

Yes, I would recommend Gene Outka’s classic book Agape and this journal article:

Enright, R.D., Wang Xu, J., Rapp, H., Evans, M., & Song, J. (2022). The philosophy and social science of agape love. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 42(4), 220– 237. https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000202

Thank you for your response to my question about suffering.  Ok, you have convinced me that we can find meaning in our suffering.  So, my next question is this: What do you see that people learn when they forgive?

When people forgive, they learn more deeply about mercy, and if they keep at it and practice forgiveness, they can learn to love more consistently and more deeply.  After all, the highest form of forgiveness is to offer agape love to others, and this can take time to learn and master.  Yet, with the practice of forgiveness, people can learn to appreciate this form of love and to apply it consistently in their interactions with others.

Can we actually grow through our suffering?  In other words, is suffering just for nothing, or can we find meaning in it?

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl made the fascinating point that we can find meaning in any area of our lives, including in suffering.  He asked us in his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning: What can we learn from the difficult challenges of life?  Some people say that, when they suffer injustices from others, this makes the one who suffers more aware of other people’s suffering.  Others say suffering makes them more patient.  Religious people say that it draws them closer to God as they rely on grace and trust in a reasonable outcome.  So, yes, people can grow in their humanity as they suffer.

What do you suggest that I do in the following situation?  I now am part of a peer group that seems to be against forgiveness.  The members of this group suggest that forgiveness is weak and we need to be tough and fight for justice.  How do I stay true to forgiveness under these frustrating conditions?  Should I just leave the group?  We have common interests, such as sports, watching movies, and supporting one another.

If you want to stay in the group, you need to respond internally—in your own mind — each time an untrue statement is made about forgiveness.  Resolve the issue in your own mind first.  Do you think you can, at least at times, gently answer a statement of weakness by saying, “Here is another perspective.  To forgive requires great courage because the forgiver is offering mercy to those who were not good to the forgiver. If someone can do that and, at the same time, strive with respect for justice, would you call that weakness?”  You then can point out that a person can forgive and seek justice because these are not mutually exclusive.  You might end up changing minds as you speak the truth about forgiveness.