In the Process Model of Forgiveness, you begin the Work Phase by asking the forgiver to better understand the one who was unjust. I am a little worried about doing that. If I focus on that person and see all of his inner wounds, might this engender in me such sympathy for him that I conclude this: “Well, he is so hurt that maybe he really didn’t mean to hurt me.” Wouldn’t that be an open door to excuse what he did to me?
Understanding the one who offended is very different from excusing the person’s behavior. We can accept a person as having unconditional worth and then hold fast to the truth that the behavior was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong, despite my understanding the person as a person. In other words, it is important to separate the person from the unjust actions. We try to welcome the person back into the human community as we forgive; we do not then accept the behavior.
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