Tagged: “Forgiving”

If we all use psychological defenses such as denial and repression, how do we ever come to realize who hurt us when that hurt occurred many years ago when we were children?

As people see that they are carrying deep hurt at present, this can be a motivation for examining who did the hurting in their lives.  One exercise that I recommend in the book, The Forgiving Life, is what I call the Forgiveness Landscape.  In this exercise, people slowly start to make a list of those who have actually hurt them, starting from early childhood and progressing up to the present time.  As people do this exercise, they can begin to see areas of hurt that are long forgotten (but still subconsciously can be affecting a person’s well-being at present).  For example, as people reflect on their past life, they might recall being bullied at age 11.  This then breaks the repression that might have been present with regard to the bullying.  This breaking of the psychological defenses can occur particularly when a person knows that forgiveness is an effective response to the past injustices and to the current hurts still present from those past offenses.

Can you think of a situation in which forgiveness would definitely not be appropriate at all?

Let us first make a distinction between forgiveness itself and people who forgive.  Some people will not forgive others for certain horrendous situations.  This is their choice and they should not be criticized for their decision.  In contrast, forgiveness itself, as a moral virtue, is always appropriate (for those who choose it) because it centers on goodness and goodness itself is always appropriate.  Here is an essay on wrote on this subject at the Psychology Today website:

Is Forgiving Another Person Always Appropriate?

If I still have anger toward someone who was really bad to me, does this mean I have not forgiven?

If you have reduced your anger as you have forgiven and if you now are in control of your anger (rather than your anger controlling you), then yes, I would say that you have forgiven or at least are well along the pathway of forgiveness.  Sometimes not all anger is eliminated, especially when we are treated very badly by others.  If you feel anger welling up in you again, then please revisit the forgiveness process toward this person.

What is the difference between forgiving and accepting what happened?

When you forgive, you are engaging in a moral virtue in which you are choosing to be good to those who are not good to you.  When you accept that something bad happened to you, it is possible to do so without even caring about the one who created the difficult situation for you.  Acceptance can focus on adjusting to a situation; forgiveness focuses on goodness toward persons in particular, on those who acted badly toward you.

How can forgiveness induce hope in the one who forgives?

I think this occurs because the forgivers begin to realize that they can face unjust treatment in the future and they now have an effective way (forgiveness) of confronting the effects of the injustice.  Forgiveness allows people to move on well in life without getting immersed in bitterness.