Tagged: “Forgiving”
You say that the biggest surprise you had when studying forgiveness therapy was its effectiveness when trauma is present in the participants. What was your second biggest surprise?
I think the second biggest surprise is that when people forgive and recover from the effects of trauma, they often develop a new purpose in life. That new purpose is to help others who also are hurting from other people’s mistreatment of them. This new purpose seems to give hope and vitality to those who were carrying a large emotional burden within them.
From your reading, what is the printed origin of person-to-person forgiveness?
It seems to me that the first account of one person forgiving others is in Hebrew scripture, Genesis 37-45, in which Joseph forgives his 10 half-brothers for attempted murder and then selling him into slavery.
Why do you think forgiving another person actually increases the forgiver’s own self-esteem?
As a forgiver works to see the inherent worth in the one who acted unjustly, the forgiver slowly begins to see his own worth as a person. The paradox is that as the forgiver sees the full humanity of the other, then the forgiver begins to see his own full humanity.
May I follow up again? What do you mean when you say that I as a forgiver begin to view the other “more broadly”?
I mean this: There is more to the person who offended you than those unjust actions. Take your own case. Have you ever behaved unjustly toward others? If so, would you want those behaviors to be the final word on who you are as a person? After all, don’t you have the capacity to help others, to love others even when it is difficult for you to offer this kind of love to others? This is the broader perspective. We all have at least the potentiality to be people who help and who love others.
Even if my view of the one who walked out on me is too narrow, as you say, it is the truth. Why play games with a fantasy of who she might become?
Seeing her as more than the behaviors of walking out on you is not fantasy. I think it is a higher reality than seeing her only in terms of current behavior. As I said earlier to you, would you want all of your family members to define you exclusively by the times when you had a really bad day, with insensitivity to some family members? Do you think this misbehavior is the exclusive truth about who you are as a person?
