Tagged: “hurtful event”
When I forgive my husband for his forgetfulness (he forgets to bring in the mail, he forgets to help with the dishes, and other annoying issues), it only seems to encourage his behavior that gets to me. It is as if my forgiving is the ticket for him to keep it up. Can you help me with this?
Yes, I think I can offer some possible insights. I am guessing that your husband is interpreting your act of mercy in forgiveness as permission to keep everything as it currently is. When we forgive, we should consider bringing the moral virtue of justice alongside the moral virtue of forgiveness. When you forgive and your anger diminishes, then might be the time to gently bring up the theme of justice: How can he be fair to you, to share the load? This may get his attention and also send the message that forgiveness also is tough-minded enough to gently ask for fairness.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
I’m not buying forgiveness. Someone was really, really rude to me recently. Forget this person! As I forget, I have no need of forgiveness. Anyway, forgiveness is more of an illusion than anything else. When we forgive we artificially convince ourselves that what the other did was not so bad. This is not for me.
First, I am sorry that you have been treated very badly. Your anger is typical for those recently and deeply hurt. We never put pressure on people to forgive, especially when the wounds are fresh and a legitimate time for anger is needed. Please keep in mind that once some time passes, your feelings about forgiveness may change. I am not saying that they absolutely will, but I am encouraging you to be open to a possible change in your attitude toward forgiveness. Finally, and only when you are ready, you might want to explore more deeply what forgiveness actually is. When we forgive, we do not condone what the other person did. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes in forgiveness is our stance toward the other person. We begin to see the worth in the other person, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. I wish you well in your emotional healing.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
Who has the greater capacity to forgive: college students or their parents?
We cannot make an absolute statement as an answer to your question because some college-aged children may forgive to a greater degree than their parents, especially if the student has a lighter injustice to overcome. Yet, we have done studies showing that, on the average, the middle-aged parents tend to forgive to a greater degree than do their college-attending children. I think this is because of the parents’ greater maturity and perhaps because they have suffered more in their longer life and thus have had more to overcome.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
You talk about seeking support in the forgiveness process. I have a dilemma about that. I have a good friend (Friend A) with whom I would like to discuss my forgiveness path toward a different friend (Friend B). Yet, Friend A and Friend B also are friends. My question is this: How can I get support from Friend A without revealing that my problem is Friend B? I ask because I do not want to put Friend A on the spot by having to keep my secret from Friend B.
I recommend that when you talk with Friend A, you do not reveal that the one who hurt you is Friend B. You can talk specifics of the problem, but not talk any specifics about who was unjust to you. When we write case studies in publications, the editors always ask that we mask certain details so that we do not reveal the identities of those people in the case studies. You can do the same. Do not reveal names or specific places where the injustice occurred. It is reasonable to mask the identity of those whom you are discussing in a situation such as yours.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I started the forgiveness process, but I am stuck on the idea that I might be able to have some compassion for the one who injured me. This is not possible. So, am I flunking the forgiveness test?
You definitely are not “flunking the forgiveness test” if you are unable to feel compassion toward the other. Please keep in mind the following points: First, forgiveness takes time and so please be gentle with yourself. Second, we are not necessarily in control of our emotions, especially one as delicate as compassion, or a tender suffering along with the other. Third, please resist trying to force compassion. It likely will come only with time and the continual practice of forgiving. This could be many months. Fourth and finally, you do not have to forgive in its complete sense to have forgiven the person. Even if you can see his or her mistakes, pain, and confusion, this may be sufficient for your forgiving, at least for now.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
