Tagged: “hurtful event”
I started the process of forgiving my mother. As I went on this journey, I realized that she was treated very badly by my grandmother, who passed away before I was born. Should I also forgive my grandmother, even though I never met her?
Yes, you can forgive your grandmother. This is what the philosopher, Trudy Govier, calls secondary forgiveness. Even though your grandmother was not directly unjust to you, she was indirectly unjust to you because of what she did to your mother.
You might want to read this essay from Psychology Today: Can You Forgive a Person Who Has Died?
I really do not understand this pie-in-the-sky idea that I must feel positively toward the people whom I forgive. How about just some indifference toward them?
Think of forgiveness as a process. We start out with anger or sadness or some other emotion that we find unpleasant. As we grow in the moral virtue of forgiveness, the anger (or sadness) begins to diminish and we then can develop a kind of indifference toward that person. Yet, over time, and because forgiveness is a moral virtue, we might continue to grow even more deeply in our appreciation of the other as a person. This can lead to compassion, respect, generosity, and even love (the kind of love that is willing to be in service to the other for the other’s sake) toward that person. So, you might want to think of indifference as one stop on the journey to greater perfection in the growth of this moral virtue of forgiveness.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I have a problem with this whole idea of forgiveness. Forgiveness asks me to “just move on” or to “leave it in the past.” How can I “leave it in the past” when it is constantly nipping at my heals and the memories just won’t leave me alone?
Forgiveness is not just moving on or leaving something in the past. As a moral virtue, forgiveness is focused on goodness toward particular persons, those who have been unjust to you. As you forgive, you begin changing your view of that person and so this memory of “nipping at your heals” lessens. Without this paradox of struggling to be good to those who were not good to you, it is very difficult to “leave it in the past.” Forgiving allows you to move into the future without that burden of continual unfinished business.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
What steps can we take to forgive non-living things such as illnesses or natural disasters?
Actually, we do not forgive illnesses or natural disasters because these cannot act unjustly toward us. The key is to accept (rather than forgive) these when we are affected by them.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
My spouse says that I am an angry person. She is correct, but I cannot recall anyone in particular who treated me unfairly. So, what’s up with my anger?
You might have what is called repressed memories in that you are in denial about some injustices from your past. Sometimes, we so respect our parents, for example, that it is hard to admit unjust treatment from them. See if this might fit your own case. At the same time, it can be the case that you are angry because you reason that the world owes you a lot more than is reasonable. In this case, you might have some narcissistic tendencies (a me-first mind set). This can be hard to admit because narcissism exalts the self. It takes the moral virtue of humility to see the narcissism and to willingly change the pattern.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
