Tagged: “Love”

Keeping Anne Gallagher’s Memory and Work Alive

In Memoriam: Anne Gallagher, Seeds of Hope

It is with deep sadness that we announce the passing of a true patriot for peace, Anne Gallagher of Dublin, Ireland (August 7, 2013).

Anne started the peace organization, Seeds of Hope, in Ireland as a way to counter the after-effects of The Troubles. Even though the peace accord was signed in 1998, hearts were still embittered by the struggles that began to erupt in early 1972 with Bloody Sunday. Some of Anne’s friends and relations took up combat and were part of paramilitary organizations in Ireland and Northern Ireland. Anne, in contrast, sought dialogue as a way to peace.

Anne was instrumental in the International Forgiveness Institute’s transition to forgiveness education in Belfast. She tirelessly set up meetings with us at various schools such as Ligoniel, St. Vincent de Paul, and Mercy Primary School. Because of Anne’s endorsement of us, doors flew open and within about one month of trying, we were accepted into schools within the inter-face areas of the city (where contentious groups live segregated lives but in close proximity to one another)..

I recall vividly in 2003 sitting with three ex-combatants who wanted to know more about forgiveness education. They were unsure if it was a good idea. Anne set up the meeting. You see, we needed their permission to go into a particular school because some of the ex-combatants informally controlled their neighborhoods. One of them, battle-tested, said to me, “My son is in that school. Forgiveness will make him weak.” I swallowed hard and asked, “Do you want your son to grow up and live as you have?” He bowed his head and with love in his heart for his son said, “No.” It was then that he gave us permission to enter the school.

Anne was always close to danger like this. She did not care, even though some of her brothers were scared for her. Yet, she had a spark in her eyes and a conviction deep within that peace must be sought even if it meant putting oneself on the line at times.

Anne Gallagher represents peace in Ireland. We at the IFI will do our best to keep alive her vision for Seeds of Hope in each human heart. Peace be with you now, Anne.

Robert

Author’s Note: Read about the Northern Ireland Troubles, about Bloody Sunday, and about learning to forgive in the “Seeds of Hope Ex-Prisoners Think Tank Report” co-authored by Anne Gallagher (whose four brothers became involved in the Northern Ireland conflict and served long prison sentences, one being shot dead upon his release.)
— Anne Gallagher photo by Brian Moody

Is my giving a gift to the other person something different from magnanimity of heart?

Yes, there is a specific difference between the two. Magnanimity of heart first is centered within the person as an insight and a motivation to be good to the other.  Giving the gift is a part of magnanimity of heart but is not the entire package.  The giving of the gift is the concrete expression of the magnanimity.

I am trying to forgive a family relative.  My immediate family members keep saying negative things about the person.  When I explain to my immediate family members that I am trying to forgive the person, then they intensify their negative judgements against this person.  How can I forgive under this circumstance?

Your forgiving is being made more challenging because of the constant negative statements from people whom you love.  Yet, please keep in mind that their choice not to forgive is not your choice.  Their views need not stay as your view.  Yes, you will have to struggle against those negative statements, but here is my suggestion: Every time you hear a negative statement about your relative, say to yourself—-to yourself silently—something positive about the person.  Say privately to yourself, “I choose to forgive the person.”  These exercises, repeated over time, should help you to forgive even if your family members continue with the negative statements.

If the person refuses to accept my gift, should I try something other than forgiveness?

This depends on your goal.  Is your goal to reconcile?  If so, and if the other refuses to accept your gift out of denial of any wrongdoing, then you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation of the wrong done and the person’s denial of this.  Such a conversation may lead, or at least eventually lead, to a genuine reconciliation based on mutual trust.  If, on the other hand, your goal for now is to reduce the resentment inside of you, then your giving a gift that is not directly given (such as the kind word about the person to others or donating to charity in the person’s name) is sufficient for a good forgiveness response. Under this circumstance, you need not “try something other than forgiveness.”

How does my giving a gift to the one who hurt me break the power that the person has over me?

This gift-giving is part of the amazing paradox of forgiving: As you give to the other, it is you who experiences healing.  Our science supports this view.  As people go through our Process Model of Forgiveness, they tend to reduce in anger, anxiety, and depression and to increase in self-esteem and hope.  You can read a description of some of these studies in Enright and Fitzgibbons (2015), Forgiveness Therapy. Washington, DC: APA Books.