Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Don’t you think that time is more important than forgiveness? With patience, won’t angers toward offending people just melt away?
If the offense was deep and the resultant hurts are significant, time alone will not necessarily “melt away” the angers. For example, Mary Hansen did a research study with elderly women in hospice. Some of them were carrying resentments In their hearts for decades before they forgave. Time, in other words, does not necessarily “heal all wounds” as the saying goes.
I don’t get it. How can forgiveness reduce anger in the one who forgives?
Often, when people are treated deeply unjustly by others, they can experience anger and even an ongoing resentment that can last for years. As people forgive, they begin to see the offending person from a broader perspective than just those hurtful actions. As the forgivers see the worth in the one who offended, see the other as truly human, the anger toward this person begins to lessen.
Is forgiving others basically for the self or for the one who offended?
The essence of forgiveness is this: It is a moral virtue and all moral virtues concern the good of others. Therefore, when you forgive, you are doing this for the one who hurt you. A consequence of forgiving is that the self usually experiences well-being. So, forgiveness is an act of goodness toward others with a consequence of a benefit toward the self.
In your Discovery Phase of the forgiveness process, you discuss meaning and purpose in a person’s life upon forgiving others. What is the difference between finding meaning and finding purpose?
Meaning is the cognitive activity of answering the “why question” in a positive way regarding what was suffered. A likely insight gained is that I am stronger and more aware of others’ suffering, now that I have walked the forgiveness path. Thus, to find meaning is primarily a cognitive activity. Purpose concerns the actions that now flow from the meaning. If a person begins to see that forgiving has been a positive journey in making one stronger, more merciful, then one purpose that might flow from this insight is this: I now will commit to aiding others in their suffering, in helping them to forgive.
In my observing people who have been hurt by others, there seems to be a certain closed-mindedness that makes forgiveness difficult. Here is what I mean: People kind of close down to listening and discussing civilly with others once they have been hurt. Wouldn’t this closed-mindedness to open communication hinder forgiving?
I think you are conflating forgiving and reconciling. You can forgive a person starting within your own heart by committing to do no harm to the other, with a commitment to offering respect and eventually even love (in the sense of agape) toward that other person. This occurs even without communicating with the other person. Reconciliation, in contrast, does require listening and having open communication. So, when this listening and discussing civilly are closed down, this likely will hinder the reconciliation process, but not the process of forgiving.
