Tagged: “moral virtue”

The Clash between Modern Western Culture and the Moral Virtue of Forgiveness

When surfing the Internet I sometimes run into ads for quick weight loss.  Those ads run something like this: A guy, who may be ramped up on steroids, has his shirt off and he eagerly bites into a high calorie meal.  He then says that he has a physical workout regimen that allows him to exercise a few days a week and retain a muscular physique.  The exercise routine, for example, consists of about 5 push-ups, 8 sit-ups, some front lunges, a few jumping jacks, and then hit the showers because you are……..done.

In other ads, there are “before” and “after” photos, with the message that pill X will burn excess stomach cells overnight as you sleep…….and then presto!  You have a new body.

The messages from these ubiquitous ads are these: Physical fitness is easy.  Buy my fitness program or the pills I sell, and you will have gain without the pain.

What makes these ads almost humorous is the contrast between reality and fantasy, between what is needed for physical fitness or weight loss and what is offered.  It is as if the striving and effort and perseverance are no longer necessary.

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Such messages of gain-without-pain now are pervading the Internet for forgiveness.  Take a look for yourself on the Internet.  As you search for ways to forgive you will be met with advice to forgive, for example, in four easy steps.  Learn to forgive in seven easy steps.  Take your pick.  The advice tends to range from about 2 to 9 sessions of psychological techniques…….and then presto!  You have a new outlook on life and toward the one who hurt you.

Now, there is nothing wrong with a few steps to start a physical fitness program, as you get familiar once again with what a push-up is.  In a similar way, there is nothing wrong with a few brief psychological techniques to introduce you to what it may be like to forgive those who hurt you deeply.

Yet, if you want true physical fitness, if you want true and deep forgiving, you will need to have the strong and good will to start, the rationality to know what you are facing, then practice, then persevere, then develop a love of the workout (physical or forgiveness workout) so that you grow in maturity toward either kind of workout.  Both the achievement of physical fitness and forgiveness fitness require the exercise gym and the forgiveness gym, respectively.

When you are deeply hurt by others, when your heart is hurting, there is no such thing as the forgiveness pill.  There is no such thing as the easy way.  When others make you suffer from their unjust treatment, the way out is a different kind of suffering, which is growth in the heroic moral virtue of forgiveness.  This new suffering is very different from the original suffering from unjust treatment because the forgiveness treatment leads to deep healing so that you can move on well with your life.  The suffering from the effects of grave injustice, if you do not address these effects, may never end.  The suffering from working on forgiving eventually ends.  I want you to see the big difference between the two kinds of suffering. Only one of these offers the challenge of a new start in life as you become forgivingly fit.

Let’s hit the forgiveness gym, when deeply hurt by others, and start becoming forgivingly fit.

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I am somewhat confused.  I thought that forgiveness is getting rid of resentment toward an offending person.  That is what I read the most.  So, what’s wrong with this as a definition of forgiving?

While reducing resentment is part of the definition of forgiveness, it cannot be the complete definition because one can reduce resentment, for example, by dismissing the offending person.  In other words, a person might reduce resentment and then says to oneself, “That other person is worthless.  I am moving on.”  Failing to acknowledge the personhood of the other and dismissing that other person is not a moral virtue.  Therefore, it cannot be all that encompasses forgiveness, given that forgiveness is a moral virtue.

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You said earlier to me that when we forgive we do not acquiesce to the other’s demands.  May I respectfully disagree on this.  I disagree because I have been reading recently and seeing on media videos some people discussing what they call “toxic forgiveness.”  To those who use this term, there is an element to forgiveness that is out of balance with fairness.  Is it not reasonable for all of us to be aware of how forgiveness can get out of balance to such a degree that it becomes “toxic” for the one who forgives?

I think there is a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not by people who use the words “toxic forgiveness.”  They usually refer to people who “forgive” and then just put up with the unfairness of the other person.  This is not an issue of forgiveness at all, but instead of a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not give in to the other’s demands.  When this happens, the one who supposedly is “forgiving” is instead deciding to turn away from a fair solution and then is calling this “forgiveness.”  Forgiveness as a moral virtue of goodness does not give in to unfairness.  Otherwise, it would not be a moral virtue at all.  Here is an analogy to make my point clearer.  Suppose a person wants to become physically fit.  This person walks about 200 steps, then sits down and eats a gallon of ice cream.  This occurs every day and the person gains 20 pounds.  Suppose now that this person says, “I have tried physical fitness and it is toxic.  All it does is put weight on me.”  Is it really physical fitness that is the problem, or a distortion of what it truly means to start a physical fitness program?  Suppose now that many people start saying that physical fitness is “toxic.”  Where does the error lie, with physical fitness itself or with a conceptual distortion, and a serious one at that, regarding what it actually means to engage in physical fitness?  It is the same with “toxic forgiveness.” People distort the meaning of forgiveness and then proclaim that forgiveness is “toxic.”

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Can you think of a situation in which forgiveness would definitely not be appropriate at all?

Let us first make a distinction between forgiveness itself and people who forgive.  Some people will not forgive others for certain horrendous situations.  This is their choice and they should not be criticized for their decision.  In contrast, forgiveness itself, as a moral virtue, is always appropriate (for those who choose it) because it centers on goodness and goodness itself is always appropriate.  Here is an essay on wrote on this subject at the Psychology Today website:

Is Forgiving Another Person Always Appropriate?

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What is the difference between forgiving and accepting what happened?

When you forgive, you are engaging in a moral virtue in which you are choosing to be good to those who are not good to you.  When you accept that something bad happened to you, it is possible to do so without even caring about the one who created the difficult situation for you.  Acceptance can focus on adjusting to a situation; forgiveness focuses on goodness toward persons in particular, on those who acted badly toward you.

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