Tagged: “Why Forgive?”
I am having a hard time persevering in forgiving someone. What do you suggest?
When you say that you are having a hard time persevering, do you mean that you have stopped trying to forgive? If so, I suggest that you reflect for a while on what I call your strong will. A strong will is the motivation and behavior intended to keep you on a path, any path, that you deem as worthwhile. Philosophers often talk about the good will (wanting the best for others), a free will (choosing to do good rather than being forced to do so), but rarely talk of the strong will. This strong will, or the desire and effort to continue toward the goal, needs reflection and it’s development within you. As the strong will develops, you likely will stay on the path of forgiving. Also, please note that it is fine to take breaks from the forgiveness process. We do this with work vacations or taking time out from the fitness workouts in the gym. We can do the same with forgiving, but with the intent to return.
For additional information, see: On the Importance of Perseverance when Forgiving.
Forgiveness is unfair to the forgiver. After all, those who forgive are asked to do the impossible: to feel compassion, to absorb pain that should not be theirs in the first place, to be kind to the unkind. Can’t we just set forgiveness aside?
Because forgiving is a choice, not demanded in any society of which I am aware, you can set forgiveness aside. Yet, when deeply hurt by others, what is your alternative for ridding yourself of a gnawing resentment that could bring you down? In the giving of the compassion, in the bearing of the pain, in the attempt to be kind, the paradox is that you, yourself, may experience a cessation of the poison of that resentment. Does this seem like an outcome you would like to set aside? Forgiveness advances you toward this healthy outcome and may even reestablish a relationship if the other can be trusted and does not harm you.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I am able to do relaxation training and this reduces my stress and anger. Is forgiveness, then, unnecessary for me?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue and need not occur only to aid a person in reducing anger. As a moral virtue, you can forgive as an end in and of itself, because it is good. Also, try to be aware of what happens inside you once you are no longer relaxed. Does the anger well up inside you again? If so, then the practice of forgiveness might be a more permanent solution to your anger than relaxation training by itself.
Learn more at Forgiving is not. . .
My roommate forgave her boyfriend. Yet, she keeps talking about how mean he was to her. Why would she keep talking about it if she has forgiven him?
It is possible that your roommate has forgiven her boyfriend only to a point, but not completely. It seems that she still has residual anger that is bothering her. Also, even if she has forgiven him, she now may be struggling with the issue of reconciliation, or whether or not to continue the relationship. If she is talking about this as a call for help from you, then you might ask what her level of trust is with the boyfriend. See if she is struggling with the issue of reconciliation. It could be that she a) has forgiven, but not deeply yet, in which case she needs more time in the forgiveness process, or b) she is struggling with the issue of whether to reconcile or not.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
I have started the forgiveness process, but I have stopped because it is too painful. Should I go back to this process soon or would time off be more beneficial?
The key is this: When you look within, what do you see regarding your starting again? Do you have any motivation to try or not? If you have no motivation at all, then you need more time. Another question to ask yourself is this: Do I have the virtue of courage to go ahead? Courage can be part of the motivation. Another question is this: Do I have the energy right now to move forward with forgiving? Sometimes we need a rest and this is not dishonorable. As a final question, you might ask yourself this: Do I need to forgive someone else first? If the one you are trying to forgive has been deeply unfair, you might consider first forgiving someone for a lesser offense. You then can get more used to the forgiveness process, build up what I call “the forgiveness muscles” and then try to forgive the one who is more of a challenge.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
