Archive for August, 2022
Forgiveness in the published literature seems to imply that it is done for the self and not for the person who acted unfairly. Am I correct?
The scientific literature often examines the effects of forgiveness on the one who forgives. This does not at all mean from a philosophical perspective that this is what forgiveness is. Forgiveness actually is a moral virtue of goodness toward those who acted unfairly. Even if one of the effects of this self-giving is that the forgiver experiences much psychological relief, this does not equate to what forgiveness is. We have to distinguish the essence of forgiveness (what it is) from some of the effects of this process (which can be emotional relief by those who forgive).
Forgiving others is being indifferent to those who act unfairly. I say that because if you forgive, what are you asking of the other in terms of growing as a fair person? It seems to me that you are asking nothing, which leads me to think that forgiving is an act of indifference.
Forgiving others for unjust behavior does not mean that you then ignore issues of justice or issues of the other growing in fairness. You can forgive and ask something of the other person. Therefore, forgiving others does not equate to being indifferent toward them.
My partner repents, means well, and tries hard, but his temper still gets the better of him. How can he change for the better?
I suggest that your partner go back in time and examine all of the people who have deeply hurt him and see if there is anger remaining in need of forgiveness. Also, consider examining the modeling effect: Were people in your partner’s family of origin overly angry and your partner observed this, imitated this, and now is bringing this pattern, which was modeled, into your relationship. If this is the case, then the insight of the connection between observing behaviors from the past and bringing them into the present may help reduce the frequent expressions of temper.
What is the shortest and the longest time you have seen someone go through the forgiveness process when the injustice is very deep? In other words, I am not talking about people who have been hurt but it is more of a passing anger and not a deeply entrenched anger from a profound injustice.
The shortest time to a successful forgiveness was observed in a scientific study of elderly women in hospice who had less than 6 months to live. They had deep hurts from family members and some of these hurts began decades ago. These courageous women only took 4 weeks to forgive the deep injustices, perhaps because they were trying their best to confront unresolved issues in need of resolution. The longest I have seen is a study of female incest survivors, who took on the average over a year to forgive. Here are the references to these two research studies:
Hansen, M. J., Enright. R. D., Baskin, T. W., & Klatt, J. (2009). A palliative care intervention in forgiveness therapy for elderly terminally-ill cancer patients. Journal of Palliative Care, 25, 51-60.
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.
I hurt my husband and he is not ready to forgive me. I am ready to forgive myself. Is it even possible to forgive oneself if the other person refuses, at least for now, to forgive?
Yes, your forgiving yourself is not dependent on the other person’s response to you. If you have done your best toward your husband for now by having inner remorse for your actions, if you have repented by apologizing, and if you have done your best to make amends, then you have done what you can at present to seek forgiveness. You now can move forward with forgiving yourself and also wait patiently for your husband to reduce his initial anger and become ready to forgive you.
