In your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, would you please clarify what you mean when you say that children can become “instruments of revenge against the spouse” in the section on “Anger and Family Dysfunction”? If a youngster discovers that she is being used as a tool for retaliation, what should she do? What kinds of actions might an adult child display as well if she has been exploited as a tool for retaliation?

At times, one parent will talk disparagingly about the other parent to one of the children.  That child then starts to develop a negative impression of that parent (toward whom the other parent makes consistent disparaging remarks).  The parent is trying to drive a wedge between the child and the other parent.

This child, upon growing up, might end up reproducing a pattern, learned in childhood, now with an adult partner.  For example, if the child kept criticizing Mom because of Dad’s remarks about Mom, the child, now as an adult, might be overly critical of the partner.  The adult child being aware of this and learning to forgive can break this unhealthy family pattern.

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