Archive for November, 2024
I have heard the claim that a person can “forgive too much.” I guess the criticism is that too much forgiving sets up the expectation by the other person that he can just keep being unfair and the forgiver will continue to be tolerant. What do you think about this criticism of forgiveness?
Is it possible to treat people too fairly? Is there a circumstance in which the administration of justice may be excessive? I don’t believe so because moral virtues are all excellent, and practicing them is likewise good. I think this idea of “forgiving too much” actually is based on a false notion of what forgiveness is. I think the criticism centers on the assumption that a lot of forgiving equates to both a hasty reconciliation and the abandonment of justice. An unhealthy and hurried reconciliation may result if someone distorts forgiveness by isolating it such that no justice is associated with forgiveness. Therefore, if forgiveness is sincere and includes the quest for justice, then there is no such thing as “forgiving too much.”
If my reason for beginning the process of forgiveness is to feel better, without even a thought toward the one who hurt me, is this being selfish? Will this kind of initial attitude in the forgiveness process hinder my progress in forgiving?
Let us distinguish what forgiveness is and one’s motivation to forgive. What it is and why people forgive can be different, especially at the beginning of the forgiveness journey. In my experience, emotional pain is a strong motivator to forgive. This is self-interest rather than selfishness. As an analogy, if you suffer a knee injury while running, is it selfish to seek medical help? There is self-interest to heal the knee, but this is not selfish. It is the same with forgiveness. When deeply hurt by another person, the forgiver can be motivated to begin the forgiveness journey to feel better. Yet, in the forgiving process, the forgiver slowly begins to focus on the one who behaved badly and tries to be good to that person, even to a small degree. In other words, forgiving accurately is not a focus on the self but on the other person for the other person’s good. This certainly is not selfish.
In your Process Model of Forgiveness, you talk about uncovering pain and even shame. At the same time, you say that “venting” should be avoided. So, what’s the difference between uncovering pain and venting?
In the book Forgiveness Is a Choice, I talked about venting as excessive anger that is intense and even long-lasting. Uncovering pain is different in that the point is to see the inner anger, frustration, fatigue, and discouragement without having a temper tantrum over it. Venting, in the sense meant here, is excessive anger, which can become a habit. This can lead to further psychological complications such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. To uncover is to understand without the heightened emotions. The understanding can lead to a free-will choice to try forgiveness, which can lessen that which has been uncovered.
Okay, I admit it. I am stuck. As much as I try to forgive one of my parents from childhood, I just can’t make any progress. In terms of negative affect, I remain angry and this is not shifting. In terms of positive affect, I have no positive feelings. So, now what?
Sometimes, when people are having trouble forgiving someone, I recommend that they try the forgiveness process first with a different person toward whom they do not hold as much resentment. This practice can prepare forgivers for the other person toward whom they hold the deeper resentment. As Aristotle taught us from ancient history, as we practice any of the moral virtues, we become more proficient in them.
I have ordered and received your free anti-bullying guide for schools. Thank you for writing this and for giving it away at no cost to schools. I now want to approach my school principal to recommend that we use this in our school counseling programme. Do you have a short summary of the importance of using forgiveness as part of the anti-bully initiatives in schools that I could share with my principal?
Yes, I have written a short essay for the Psychology Today website. Psychology Today is a popular national magazine in the United States. Here is a link to that essay:
Please let me know if you have any further questions as you move forward with this.
