Archive for February, 2026

Insights on Forgiveness & Childhood Trauma

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In a comprehensive literature review, a group of researchers found that forgiving others for adverse childhood experiences can be difficult.  Yet, they conclude in their Abstract, “…..forgiveness of specific perpetrators was associated with better outcomes across studies, though survivors with severe abuse histories typically reported greater difficulty with forgiving. Studies revealed harmful effects when survivors felt pressured to forgive, or not to forgive.”

The reference to this work is:

Kanter, R. L., & Wortham, J. S. (2026). Forgiveness and Adverse Childhood Experiences: A Scoping Review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 0(0). https://doi.org/10.1177/15248380251410088

I have forgiven my mom, but she refuses to see any wrong that she has done. I’m now an adult living away from home. Although my brother and I bear scars from her carelessness when we were growing up, she denies any neglect. My brother and I have given this matter a lot of thought, and we both feel that it is unfair. How can we show this to my mom?

Your mother appears to be denying what actually occurred. It can be challenging to alter such a psychological defensive mechanism. This can take some time for your mom. The denial may lessen if she sees your love and support without conditions. Try, in the spirit of forgiveness, to gently bring up one specific instance of neglect when she witnesses and feels your unconditional love. Together, the tangible referent and the unconditional love could help your mother overcome her denial and become receptive to your forgiveness.

I hold quite different political opinions from my partner. He certainly does not appreciate my position, but I do respect his. We have a lot of arguments. I want to know how I can forgive him for being so combative about politics.

You should discuss what it is to be a human with him, in my opinion. Do individuals transcend their political stances? What is this “more” that transcends politics, if any? Does he think you have these other significant traits? He should, in my opinion, widen his understanding that people are more significant than politics. He and you will need to work on this more transcendent viewpoint because it can be difficult to learn. Try to perceive your partner’s broader human traits as you extend forgiveness. Both of you having a broader viewpoint of the other will probably help your relationship.

From your reading, what is the earliest document that focuses, to at least some extent, on person-to-person forgiving?

From my reading, the earliest account of person-to-person forgiveness that gives some details is the story of Joseph forgiving his half-brothers for attempted murder and selling him into slavery in Egypt.  You can read this important narrative in Genesis, chapters 37-45.  The fact that nine chapters are devoted to this story of forgiveness is impressive.

Addressing the “Both/And” Approach to Family Conflict: Why This Is Insufficient for Healing

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I recently read a self-help article about family conflict.  The author was advocating for what is called the “both/and” approach to healing.  It means this: Acknowledge the hurts against you, but also focus on times of positive interaction.  Both are truthful, and if you can live with both side by side, this will promote healing.

I write this essay to respectfully disagree with this approach to family healing.  I think it can be a first step, but it is incomplete by itself.  It is so incomplete that I think it could lead to future conflicts rather than deep emotional and relational healing.

Let me start with an analogy.  Suppose you damaged the cartilage in your knee.  It annoys you and diminishes your quality of life because you cannot work out as rigorously as before.  Yet, you have strong shoulders.  If you take a literal “both/and” approach here, you will live with the broken-down knee and the strong shoulders.  You can still work out, such as bench pressing or bicep curls.  Yet, your ability to run now is hampered.  Should you simply live with all of this or try to heal the knee?  I vote for healing the knee.

It seems to me that this analogy applies to the “both/and” of family conflict.  Yes, you have the challenge of injustice and the happy times, but isn’t it more beneficial to go for the healing from the resentment that has built up in the heart from the injustices?  As with knee surgery, resentment in the heart can be healed by forgiving those who caused the pain.  Yes, you still have a memory of the injustice, but now the emotional reaction to that memory is healed.  The “both/and” is not likely to eventually lead to the “and” of resentment overpowering the “and” of fond memories.  After all, resentment is a formidable foe.  It can last for years and grow, overpowering any positive thoughts about the other person.

So, yes, let us be aware of the “both/and” as we do with a torn knee and strong shoulders, but let us move beyond that to forgiving those who caused the damage to the heart through unjust actions.  “Both/and” focuses on insight.  Moving forward with forgiveness focuses on healing once the insight is understood, confronted, and the forgiveness is accomplished.