Addressing the “Both/And” Approach to Family Conflict: Why This Is Insufficient for Healing
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I recently read a self-help article about family conflict. The author was advocating for what is called the “both/and” approach to healing. It means this: Acknowledge the hurts against you, but also focus on times of positive interaction. Both are truthful, and if you can live with both side by side, this will promote healing.
I write this essay to respectfully disagree with this approach to family healing. I think it can be a first step, but it is incomplete by itself. It is so incomplete that I think it could lead to future conflicts rather than deep emotional and relational healing.
Let me start with an analogy. Suppose you damaged the cartilage in your knee. It annoys you and diminishes your quality of life because you cannot work out as rigorously as before. Yet, you have strong shoulders. If you take a literal “both/and” approach here, you will live with the broken-down knee and the strong shoulders. You can still work out, such as bench pressing or bicep curls. Yet, your ability to run now is hampered. Should you simply live with all of this or try to heal the knee? I vote for healing the knee.
It seems to me that this analogy applies to the “both/and” of family conflict. Yes, you have the challenge of injustice and the happy times, but isn’t it more beneficial to go for the healing from the resentment that has built up in the heart from the injustices? As with knee surgery, resentment in the heart can be healed by forgiving those who caused the pain. Yes, you still have a memory of the injustice, but now the emotional reaction to that memory is healed. The “both/and” is not likely to eventually lead to the “and” of resentment overpowering the “and” of fond memories. After all, resentment is a formidable foe. It can last for years and grow, overpowering any positive thoughts about the other person.
So, yes, let us be aware of the “both/and” as we do with a torn knee and strong shoulders, but let us move beyond that to forgiving those who caused the damage to the heart through unjust actions. “Both/and” focuses on insight. Moving forward with forgiveness focuses on healing once the insight is understood, confronted, and the forgiveness is accomplished.
