Author Archive: doctorbobenright
I am married to the same man for 33 years. On the very first night of our honeymoon I noticed that this man had problems with intimacy. He really feared it. We’ve managed to have two biological children and have adopted two children. My husband doesn’t like to be touched. He cringes if I put my hand on his shoulder. Recently, he has picked up an old habit that he stopped for many years…masturbating. I have walked in on him many, many times. I’ve asked him to stop. I insisted that he see a therapist which he does weekly. I can’t help feeling like I am invisible. I feel like whatever I need/needed from him doesn’t matter to him. He doesn’t drink or womanize. He goes to work everyday. I feel very guilty for hating him sometimes. Please help.
First, let me say that I admire your loyalty to your husband. You already are showing courage, patience, and forgiveness. I suspect that something happened in your husband’s childhood or adolescence to make him cringe when touched. He likely is classically conditioned to touch in this way. Was there physical abuse in his past? If so, he needs to uncover that and, if he is willing, to work on forgiving the person who damaged his ability to be close. I would start there–with the assumption of physical abuse in his past. Please be gentle as you bring this up because he may be in denial or have a lot of pain associated with the experience (if indeed it happened).
I am on the journey of forgiveness and I am following your steps in the book, The Forgiving Life. I have hit a big bump in the road on your step of working to understand the one who hurt me. I am afraid to “step inside his shoes” because of the hurt. When I cannot do this, my entire forgiveness path kind of crumbles and I feel I am making no progress. What can you suggest to get me unstuck?
It seems to me that your trust is damaged with regard to this person. If so, please keep in mind that as you forgive, you do not have to trust at first. Trust comes when you are ready to reconcile. If this insight does not help, then please re-think your level of anger. Perhaps you are more angry than you realize. If this is so, try to forgive the person for a lesser offense. Another strategy is to begin the forgiveness process with a less challenging person. As you learn to forgive this person, you may become stronger in your forgiveness and then be able to deal with this more challenging person and his or her difficult offense against you. A key is to retain a strong will to forgive.
The Clash of Forgiveness and Evil
Lance Morrow: “Evil possesses an instinct for theater, which is why, in an era of gaudy and gifted media, evil may vastly magnify its damage by the power of horrific images.” If this is true, we need forgiveness all the more in our times.
Is there a better way of destroying the damaging effects of evil than forgiveness? As a mode of peace, forgiveness is a paradox because at the same time it is a weapon, one that fights against the ravages of evil. By destroying resentment, forgiveness is a protection for individuals, families, groups, and societies.
Robert
Forgiveness and Trust
When you forgive, you do not say, “Because I forgive you, I now trust you.” No. You can forgive and still not trust. If the person is showing you that he or she is a danger to you, then mistrust of his or her behavior is warranted. At the same time, and this is stated specifically to those who have experienced trauma, be careful not to confuse a general mistrust and particular mistrust toward a particular person. In other words, many traumatized people have a pervasive mistrust that needs work. Sometimes the traumatized person meets someone who truly is a good person, reliable, and safe to be with, yet the mistrust from past relationships is so great that he or she just cannot give of oneself in the new relationship. Knowing this and working deliberately on the previous issues of mistrust will help. Forgiveness will help. Time will help. Trust is such a delicate thing and needs work if it will improve.
From the book, The Forgiving Life, APA Books, 2012.
Robert
Making a decision to go ahead and forgive is hard. Even when I try to “will” myself to forgive by saying over and over, I will forgive,” I have a hard time doing it. What can I do when I do not feel like forgiving so that I can make that important decision to go ahead?
Our research has shown that the most difficult step in the forgiveness process is this very issue, to simply start the process by making the decision to forgive. So, please be aware that you are not alone in this. I would also recommend that you look toward the finish line (but please do not be in a hurry to get there). See down the track that there is emotional relief waiting for you. If the one who hurt you is willing, there may be reconciliation waiting for you. As you reflect on these benefits, you may be more willing to start the process. And do not forget to bring along the virtue of courage, which also will help you start.
